Hittin’ The E-Bag
With the L we love and know at a goddamn stand still — well, minus that blockbuster Canada for spare parts trade and Wally’s chronic boner-knee — I figured now was as good a time as ever to empty the old inbox.
So here it is: the first ever Basketball Jones E-Bag. Enjoy!
(And no, I’m not Bill Simmons. I just play one on the Internet.)
Q: The other day at the 3-on-3 tournament in Toronto, I see a guy rockin’ a number 15 Raptors jersey. I know the Vince Carter era is long gone but I can’t help think to myself that this guy’s a total bitch for wearing VC’s jersey in Toronto. So I throw it to you. In your opinion, is it now okay to sport a VC jersey in Toronto? Are any of his jerseys (Raptors, Team USA or New Jersey) acceptable at this point? For me, as long as Vince is in the league the bad taste in my mouth will never go away. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
– Willy, Toronto
JE: Look, if Vince ever plays for like the Davenport Dickheads or the Boise City Cryin’ Little Bitches then yes, it’s completely acceptable to wear his jersey in Toronto. Otherwise, no.
Q: Please help: Can you tell me what type of mongoose Bart Taylor rides in the movie Rad? And about Cru’s bike? Hope you can help.
– Tom
JE: Sorry Tom, I have no idea. I can tell you exactly how many wet dreams I had thanks to Lori Loughlin though. Six. Last week.
Q: May we exchange links with your site?
– Catawba County Real Estate, NC
JE: Get away from me, spam and/or Renee Hentschel!
Q: Okay Skeets, I have to know. Is this you, Tas or JD?
– Darryl, Auckland, New Zealand
JE: Wow! I really want to say JD, but you and I both know Tas loves to sport the high socks. Great find. We need to get him on our show.
Q: Hey JE: long time eyes, first time mouth. Quick question for you. I remember way back on your old blog you rippin’ on the 5 worst SLAM covers of all-time. (Hilarious, by the way.) Anyway, we never did find out what your favorite SLAM cover of all-time was. Which one would you pick? The Nasty Nash cover?
–Rube Red, Boston, MA
JE: Whoa, that’s a way back playback right there. Um, good question. Honestly? I think I’d have to say, ALL of the SLAM covers are my favorite.
*Waits for Sam, Lang, and Ryan to nod in approval and lower their tire wrenches*
No, no, no … I guess I’ve always loved the Old School Issue with Iverson. Gotta love the ABA ball and kick ass ‘fro…
Q: At the end of Episode 29, Tas and you said the TBJ podcast had some “big plans in the works”. Well … dot-dot-dot? Throw us a freakin’ bone here Skeets! Love the show. Peace.
– And2, N. Cali
JE: I don’t want to promise too much, because we all know how good I am at that — cough, Draft videos, cough — but let’s just say I’ve started reading this. Figure it out.
OK, that’s enough. It’s a little after 10:30p.m. and the temperature is like 40°C outside! (+100°F for you Yankees, eh?). Yeah, it’s hot in herre. My igloo is few-ucked.
If you have any questions or comments, send ‘em in.
J.E. Skeets is a writer for The Basketball Jones. He doesn’t have a book, but if he did it’d be called “How Ketchup Saved My Soul” and it’d be in bookstores everywhere.
Comments (16)Shane Battier, Bit Of A Dick?
Maybe it’s just me, but I thought new Rockets forward Shane Battier was supposed to be like some super-duper nice guy or something? You know, the type of dude who’d give you his left kidney after meeting you for five minutes.
Because I must say, after reading his live chat on NBA.com this afternoon, Shane Battier seems like a real Grade-A dickhead to me.
*Shrugs*
Decide for yourself, I guess:
William (Kennesaw): Hey shane, what was your reaction when you heard you got traded to houston?
Shane Battier: Hey William, why don’t you try capitalizing my name you stupid piece of shit? It’s called a noun, ya fuckin’ douche. And wow, Kennesaw, eh? Damn, I didn’t realize you guys had the Internet down there yet. Good for you! You guys got “cell phones” too?
Marco (corpus christi): what do you bring to the rockets line-up? what are the challenges you see ahead in your first year as a rocket?
Shane Battier: What do I bring to the Rockets line-up? Oh, gee, I don’t know — killer good looks and a huge cock? Dude, I bring EVERYTHING to this Rockets line-up. We’re talking power, we’re talking speed, smarts … man, I’m like Mr. Perfect! Now watch me throw this football 50 yards and still catch it.
james (honolulu): shane! i was so excited when we traded for you, no disrespect to rudy but you’re a proven winner and i think at times last season we missed that attitude. i wanted to know what position jeff told you you’d be playing? i hope PF cuz that’ll really help us space the floor more for yao
Shane Battier: First off, you’re all welcome that I was traded here so you don’t have to cheer for some guy named “Gay”. Ha! Gay … gimme a break.
I talked to Coach Van Gundy and I told him I was comfortable playing any position on the floor. Yeah, 1-thru-5. Hell, I even told him I’d P.A. our home games if he wanted. He said he’d think about it. I have a great fuckin’ voice. Da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee…
Chat With New Rocket Shane Battier [NBA.com]
(By the way, I love Shane Battier. I wish he was my father.)
Comments (25)“I’m the Bad Boy flavor, light brown gators”
In his latest Insider article, John Hollinger lays the odds of Allen Iverson being traded to the Golden State Warriors for Troy Murphy, Ike Diogu, Mickael Pietrus, and Zarko Cabarkapa at about 7-1.
But let’s just say Jason Richardson decides to throw in his $800 pair of brown alligator dress shoes. You know, sweeten the pot a little.
Then what are we lookin’ at? 3-1? 2-1 odds?
I mean shit, if you’re 76ers GM Billy King, are you, or are you not just dyin’ to slip your callused feet into a fine pair of Mezlans?
Five Possible Allen Iverson Trade Scenarios [ESPN Insider]
Comments (0)The Basketball Jones Ep. 029
Ooooo… basketball! I remember this sport!
The Basketball Jones — Episode 029.
In this week’s episode, J.E. Skeets and Tas go through this year’s off-season’s winners and losers, get a handle on the Raptors’ overhaul, discuss Steve Nash’s dome, answer some mail, and much, much more…
Oh, all that, and Mike James compares his basketball career to the life of a prostitute.
[Subscribe to The Basketball Jones Podcast via iTunes]
[Subscribe to The Basketball Jones Podcast via Odeo]
My Odeo Channel (odeo/235b423d5c010a02)
playlist: Where’d You Go - Fort Minor | Smily Faces Hypnotize - Sound Advice/Gnarls Biggie | Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs | Old School Rules - Dangerdoom ft. Kweli | Don’t Look Away - The Helio Sequence | All Used Up - Sloan | What You Know - T.I. | A Million Ways - Ok Go | Float On - Modest Mouse | Nel Cimitero Di Tucson - Gianfranco Reverberi
Comments (15)Throw Away The Seat Cushions
“Is Tas middle row, second from the right?”
Yes. Good eye.
Attention friends of audio: The Basketball Jones podcast is coming back!
Yeah, we’ve traveled the Communist world, we’ve assembled complex baby cribs, we’ve dreamt of angels ‘n shit … man, we’re so ready to get back in the booth to make podcast magic, it’s not even funny. (Don’t laugh, I’ll kill you.)
Tas, J, and I will be recording Episode Zero-Two-Nine tomorrow night so get your act together and send in your best comments, questions, ways to pronounce “Garbojsa” as soon as roboticly possible.
Three ways — four if you count smoke signals — to do so:
Call us, e-mail us, or record us a quick message.
And oh, in case you forgot how this whole podcast shit works, here are some links:
[Subscribe to The Basketball Jones Podcast via iTunes]
[Subscribe to The Basketball Jones Podcast via Odeo]
Just figure it out, OK?
Comments (7)Apparently, Melo Is Into Betsy
I ask you to recall those incredibly not-safe-for-work, cocaine-laced Pat O’Brien voicemail messages that were makin’ their way around the Interweb a while ago.
OK, ya good?
Um, yeah … I just wanted to inform you that the woman sitting on Melo’s lap there — flashin’ a little Cougar nip for the camera — is none other than O’Brien’s famous, jealous woman herself: “Betsy”.
Yeah, Betsy has a blog.
*Shakes head in disbelief*
Why am I telling you this? I have no idea.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t do this.
More From The Snake Pit Ball [B…SCENE!]
Pat O’Brien Sexual Harassment Scoreboard! [GorillaMask] — NSFW
Shane Battier, Killer Mic Skills
If I’m USA Basketball Coach Krzyzewski — and I’m not, I don’t even own a bank card let alone an American Express — I’m not just assessing the on-court talent of my twenty-four NBA hopefuls. No, I’m taking a long hard look at their off-the-court talent as well.
And that’s why new Rockets forward Shane Battier is a guaranteed lock for my squad:
“On paper I’m not as sexy as some of these guys — LeBron and D-Wade — and that’s OK, I know who I am and I’m a guy who can … I’ll just be just a good team guy. Make a shot now and then, and play tough defense, and ah… if it has to be I can wave my towel with the best of them on the bench, and there has to be a guy who does that so … hahaha … I’m not scared to do that.”
Oh, hold on a sec, a memo is just comin’ thru here on the ol’ fax machine…
Date: July 20, 2006
From: Coach K
To: Bruce Bowen
Subject: Enjoy your summer…
Sorry Bruce, you’re not really needed anymore.
Best,
Mike Krzyzewski
Coach, USA Basketball
cc: J.E. Skeets
Ouch!
All-Stars Try Out at Day 1 of USA Basketball Camp [ESPN Motion Video]
Comments (10)Thursday Thoughts
- So you’re Vince Carter. How ya feelin’ right now? The fans love to love you but over in Beantown you see Paul Pierce signing a 3 year, $59 million extension. Five years ago, you both signed identical max contracts. Now, yours expires at the end of the ‘07-’08 season. Are you mad? Disgusted? Or are you ready to make your traditional quick exit to a more preferable destination?
- Whether or not he’s got the right shaped noggin for a shaved head, you’ve got to love Steve Nash’s “I don’t give a crap” attitude about his looks.
- First Greek to get a long term contract! Congrats to Vassilis Spanoulis! Sorry Iakovos Tsakalidis, you just don’t cut it.
Nash Shaves Head For Science
Yes, Steve Nash has shaved his head. But don’t worry, don’t worry … put the gun down. He hasn’t changed at all!
The stringy, lank hair is gone but Steve Nash’s view on life and basketball hasn’t changed.
Nash, the two-time NBA most valuable player who grew up in Victoria, showed up at a basketball camp Wednesday with his trademark unruly coif replaced by a buzz cut.
“I just cut it,” shrugged the unpretentious 32-year-old Phoenix Suns star. “I don’t really have a rhyme or reason. I felt like taking it off.”
So there you have it. No word yet on whether he shaved his sweater vest.
Nash the same guy, despite new buzz-cut [TSN.ca]
Steve Nash’s Monstrous Chest Hair. See It. Love It. [Deadspin]
So… You Run Here Often?
OK, here we go again Yao. Just keep cool…
I’m cool, I’m cool…
Good. Now easy does it. What I’d tell you last time?
Head up, chest out.
There you go. You look good.
Are you sure? I feel sort of stupid. I mean, maybe I should put a shirt on, no? Yeah, I should probably put a shirt on…
No, no, you look good. Confident. Big China man be bull, remember?
Yes, big China man be bull…
Perfect. OK, now here they come. Just play it cool…
Oh my, they’re quite close. Um… um…
You stay cool, you hear me? Don’t be ridiculous.
But they’re so cute! Oh my, I don’t know about this. Maybe I should just turn arou–
No! You are not turning around! You’re a Goddamn All-star! Start acting like one!
They think I’m a freak.
They do not think you’re a freak! Jesus. Now get it together, man. OK, here we go.
Oh no, oh no, oh no…
Smile…
Oh no, oh no, oh no…
Keep smiling…
This is bad. This is sooooo bad…
Aaaaaand… done.
That’s it?
That’s it.
Did they look?
Um, yeah.
And?
Well… besides you lookin’ like you were pinchin’ a loaf, I’d say the girl in orange seemed somewhat impressed.
Seriously?
Yeah, she checked you out a little bit.
YES! SCORE!
Woah, easy there Romeo; she just glanced at you. Could’ve been wondering what happened to the sun for all I know…
TAKE THAT MUTUMBO! YAO IS TRUE SEX MACHINE!
Oh, shut up…
Yao Ming Photo [Yahoo!]
(Props for finding this gem: YAYHowie!)
About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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- Ep. 308: The Fix – Friday, May 9th
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- Ep. 306: The Fix – Tuesday, May 6th
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- Ep. 304: The Fix – Friday, May 2nd