Shane Battier, Bit Of A Dick?

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought new Rockets forward Shane Battier was supposed to be like some super-duper nice guy or something? You know, the type of dude who’d give you his left kidney after meeting you for five minutes.

Because I must say, after reading his live chat on NBA.com this afternoon, Shane Battier seems like a real Grade-A dickhead to me.

*Shrugs*

Decide for yourself, I guess:

William (Kennesaw): Hey shane, what was your reaction when you heard you got traded to houston?

Shane Battier: Hey William, why don’t you try capitalizing my name you stupid piece of shit? It’s called a noun, ya fuckin’ douche. And wow, Kennesaw, eh? Damn, I didn’t realize you guys had the Internet down there yet. Good for you! You guys got “cell phones” too?



Marco (corpus christi): what do you bring to the rockets line-up? what are the challenges you see ahead in your first year as a rocket?

Shane Battier: What do I bring to the Rockets line-up? Oh, gee, I don’t know — killer good looks and a huge cock? Dude, I bring EVERYTHING to this Rockets line-up. We’re talking power, we’re talking speed, smarts … man, I’m like Mr. Perfect! Now watch me throw this football 50 yards and still catch it.



james (honolulu): shane! i was so excited when we traded for you, no disrespect to rudy but you’re a proven winner and i think at times last season we missed that attitude. i wanted to know what position jeff told you you’d be playing? i hope PF cuz that’ll really help us space the floor more for yao

Shane Battier: First off, you’re all welcome that I was traded here so you don’t have to cheer for some guy named “Gay”. Ha! Gay … gimme a break.

I talked to Coach Van Gundy and I told him I was comfortable playing any position on the floor. Yeah, 1-thru-5. Hell, I even told him I’d P.A. our home games if he wanted. He said he’d think about it. I have a great fuckin’ voice. Da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee…

Chat With New Rocket Shane Battier [NBA.com]

(By the way, I love Shane Battier. I wish he was my father.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 2:20 pm on 07.28.2006 — Tags: Chats, Shane Battier, Rockets

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25 Responses to “Shane Battier, Bit Of A Dick?”

  1. Sean at 4:25 pm on 07.29.2006

    I like the original transcript as well:

    “”It’s one of the biggest honors and thrills of my life. To play with guys like LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul…it’s a basketball player’s dream. I living the dream.”

    Either Shane is a gangsta or his transcriber made a typo. Take your pick.

  2. abp at 6:06 pm on 07.29.2006

    I am sorry I followed the link here. You actually waste space on the world wide web with stuff a fifth grader would write to one of his friends?

    Great creativity!

  3. Bob at 7:43 pm on 07.29.2006

    is this for real?

  4. J.E. Skeets at 9:32 pm on 07.29.2006

    ABP: Freestyle for us a little bit, and I’ll be your best friend.

    Bob: Not. At. All.

  5. Joshua G at 12:00 am on 07.30.2006

    Shane Battier is a bitch and if i was in the same room as him i’m sure my bones would jump out of my body.

  6. Wes at 3:56 am on 07.30.2006

    Hey, that’s the Mavs trainer in the picture!

  7. MattO at 10:48 am on 07.30.2006

    Hey ABP. I am also sorry you followed the link here. Ask one of your fifth grade friends to write you a better comeback.

  8. Texas Snake at 10:54 am on 07.30.2006

    I just went to the ESPN website and saw Shane’s real responses… which are much more in line with what I would expect from someone ‘who could be president one day’ according to Coach K.

    I must say, however, that response posted here are very entertaining… albeit not true.

  9. Sean at 4:01 pm on 07.30.2006

    Sorry, Snake…but you’re new here, aren’t you?

  10. DWadeisGod at 10:23 pm on 07.30.2006

    What else would web space be used for…

  11. the mighty mjd sports blog » Blog Archive » This Testosterone Stuff Is Geting Popular at 2:44 am on 07.31.2006

    […] From now on, anytime anyone in the world accomplishes something noteworthy, I’m just going to assume they did it with the help of some kind of banned substance. Guy wins the Tour de France? He’s probably injecting horse testosterone. Guy breaks the world 100m sprint record? He’s got the needle in his ass right now. Condoleeza Rice negotiates peace in the middle east? Probably coked out of her skull. J.E. Skeets writes a funny blog post? Without question, in the midst of a heroin binge. […]

  12. Texas Snake at 9:03 am on 07.31.2006

    Hi Sean…

    Yes I’m new to this site. Got here from Deadspin. I like a good read and both this site and Deadspin are pretty amusing.

  13. J.E. Skeets at 9:17 am on 07.31.2006

    Texas Snake: If you’re new here, I recommend you check out the TBJ podcasts. Tas’ voice makes angels cry.

    Welcome to the site, champ.

  14. Spectacular Sam at 11:41 am on 07.31.2006

    “What do I bring to the Rockets line-up? Oh, gee, I don’t know — killer good looks and a huge cock?”

    That makes me giggle.

  15. Texas Snake at 11:46 am on 07.31.2006

    Hi JE Skeets!

    I like it! Very good production value…are y’all in a studio? I was a reporter for 10 years… worked my way up from sweeping floors, studio cameraman, morning radio gofer, field cameraman, to TV reporter.. and this sounds just as professional as anything I’ve done. Of course, that might tell you more about the quality of my work than yours…

  16. flubby at 1:36 pm on 07.31.2006

    Did Battier address recent allegation made by the Sklar Bros. that his head looks like the University of Michigan’s football helmets?

  17. Howie aka Hype at 2:16 pm on 07.31.2006

    Heh, what happened in here comments-land? I didn’t check it all weekend and it’s all filled up! Anyways, I’ll stand up and say that I actually wish that’s what Shane would say. He could mess with reporters once in a while y’know?

  18. Tas Melas at 3:03 pm on 07.31.2006

    Hey Snake,

    We are in a very cozy studio. It’s got everything we need. Thanks for listening.

  19. J.E. Skeets at 3:25 pm on 07.31.2006

    Some say ‘cozy’; others say ‘cramped’ …

  20. benjammin' at 11:41 pm on 07.31.2006

    For all those who are new here and interpreted JE Skeets rendition of Shane Battiers speech as pure truth, it should be mentioned that he also agrees with everything Mel Gibson said recently. Ask him.

  21. J.E. Skeets at 8:59 am on 08.01.2006

    Easy now, sugar tits.

  22. benjammin' at 1:23 pm on 08.01.2006

    I don’t mean to be exclusive.. but anyone lacking the sense to see that this was a joke post deserves to be made fun of at least a little bit. Consider it a welcome initiation.

    And BTW, don’t think I didn’t notice that the letters in ‘Easy now, sugar tits’ almost spell Israel.

  23. benjammin' at 1:32 pm on 08.01.2006

    And if you look really close we find…

    ‘Now sugestt israel’

    Very Judas Priest of you skeets.

    *note sugar must be spelled with an e for this to work.

  24. J.E. Skeets at 2:04 pm on 08.01.2006

    Oh, great, look what you did Ben: Israel Bombs Malibu

  25. Hateu at 4:01 pm on 03.10.2007

    Oh my gosh! you guys are COMPLETE idiots! i’m close personal friends with Shane and he’s such a great guy, he’s not suing you. Consider your self lucky!

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