Who’s Got Next?
While searching the Internet last night for por … table stereos, I came across this pretty funny article about the colorful characters in pick-up basketball. I suggest you read the whole thing, but here’s a few of my favorites:
The Pro
He’s been in this rec league since about 1986. His team (comprised of guys just like him) usually goes undefeated. He has male-pattern baldness and played college ball at (insert name of nearest dipshit mid-major school here). He may look like hell (or Danny Ferry), but this dude is GOOD; after all, even guys who went to dipshit mid-majors are about a million times better than 99% of the basketball playing population.
Wow, the baldness call … so true. I’d also like to add that 9 times out of 10 this guy is inexplicably named Steve.
Mr. Intensity (AKA The Guy Who Gets People Hurt)
Every game is played like it’s his last. He’s big on boxing out with his elbows and setting moving picks, the only problem being he usually doesn’t know how to play and ends up putting someone in the hospital.
As much as I want to appreciate their heart and hustle on the basketball court, I just can’t. I fucking despise these guys. They have no talent whatsoever so they just run around banging into people. (Yes, even their own teammates.) I always make sure to try and get a foot under these guys when they go flailing for another rebound. “Oh, sorry, you hurt your ankle?”
Player Coach
This guy will not shut-up and by the end of the game, you want to kill him. He’ll tell you what to do, where to go, and how to play the game. The BIG problem with this is, he’s not that good. It would be like taking rap advice from Vanilla Ice. SHUT-YOUR TRAP and play basketball!
“No, no, go thru.” “Reset it.” “Yeah, yeah, swing it weak side, I’ve got a mismatch over here.” “Yeah, here, give me the ball. OK, now go down low.” “You guys aren’t moving.” “Why didn’t you throw the oop?” “All right, let’s set up in double-post motion offense. OK, I’ll swing to the perimeter and then you flash to the middle. If you pivot correctly, the backdoor cut should be—” SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.
It’s a solid list, but I think he forgot one…
The Stoner
This guy is more baked than a panzerotti. He always shows up without a ball, and he’s usually in street clothes. While actually not as bad as you’d think; the main characteristic about this guy — well, besides the eyes — is how ridiculously long it takes him to shoot. Shit, I’ve taken dumps in the same amount of time it takes this guy to cock, load, and release a shot.
I love matching up with The Stoner because they always want to compliment your game when you start lightin’ their ass up. “Wow, dude, you’re so quick!” Ha, ha … that kills me for some reason.
The Crazy World Of Pick-Up Basketball [The Phat Phree]
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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Hahah, so so true. Every where I play there’s those guys.
I’ll also add the Multi-Sports Guy usually a soccer player, but obviously up here it’s the hockey jocks. They’re athletic but their motions are totally awkward and opposite of how basketball flows. Somehow, they’re always smooth with the Js.
The Tall Guy
There’s usually one guy who stands out because he’s taller than everyone else. “Great,” you think, “He’s the tallest guy here. He must be good.” He shows up looking like a basketball player, but once he steps on the court, it turns out he’s about as useful as a wooden frying pan. He can’t run, he can’t jump, he can’t shoot, he can’t rebound, he can’t block shots…all he does is stand half a foot above everyone else. Useless.
The Old Guy
This guy was good 20 years ago but now he’s just gotten fat. He really wants to play and he gives it his all but always comes up short. He’s able to have decent games because he’s got 20 lbs on his defender and he plays without a shirt. This makes it impossible for the defender to play up on him cause by this time he is greasier than Steven Segall’s dressing room and nobody wants to catch their face on a slimy gut which is carpeted in greasy little ringlets of hair. He always makes the game drag out because he has to have a water break every 3 minutes. He is often seen smoking between games and/or during games.
The No-D Ball Hog
All offense, no defense. Can shoot from anywhere, post up, slash, rebound his own misses for putback layups, and is unstoppable when he gets hot. Ball hog gets mad when he doesn’t get a pass on the fast break, even if his teammate converts the bucket. Makes one good pass a game and thinks he’s Stephon Marbury. Tells his open teammates “I see you! I see you!” but doesn’t pass the rock and instead takes a contested twenty-foot fadeaway. Even though he’s always the high scorer, the team he plays on never wins because the four other guys get sick of standing around watching and playing four-on-five defense. Never plays help D, let alone D on his own man. He blames his teammates for not being as good as he is and ballhogs it even more and plays even less D next time.
Skeets, I’m deeply offended by that final inclusion.
how come nobody has mentioned the “European Guy”. he’s usually damn good despite that brace on his left knee. the main problem involves defending a dude covered in that much sweaty hair.
Damn, I was totally going to write that article! But they left out
And 1 Mixtape Guy
This is the guy that has “mad handles,” and makes so many spectacular dribbling moves that he gets oohs and ahhs from the people watching. The problem is, he carries the ball and travels as he blows by you to (of course) miss the layup. The people on the sidelines unfortunately don’t care that he missed the shot, they’re too busy dropping the “no he di-in’t!!” on each other.
skeets ya should’ve made a starting five with two coming off the bench and that lone participant / benchwarmer / gopher
the pick up all-stars
could be the title to a hilarious movie
rem waited in line for the dvd release of benchwarmers
And rounding out the team is the guy I like to call, “The Judge and The Jury”. This guy thinks he knows all the rules and usually yells, “First” everytime he is over the back on you and touches the ball. This character is also known for making the call of “Traveling” or “You stepped out on the fast break” when he was on the opposite side of the gym lolligaggin’. Don’ even try to argue calls with this guy because you’re only going to hear the oh so famous line of, “You’ll get the next one, play ball”.
I usually end up on this jerk’s team for some reason, and end up taking the ball and shooting for it at the top of the key cuz I just want to get on with it and end the arguement. Cripes!
The Nugg Doctor