I Shall Return Darker Than Darko
I hate to make this so quick, but I’ve got bags to pack, hair to be did, and a plane to catch.
Yes, later tonight I’m off with my Boo — woah, do I capitalize “Boo”? — for a 7-day, all-inclusive vacation in beautiful Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. (Ole!) We’re calling the trip our belated five-year anniversary, but it’s really just a way for me to prove to her I’m not “seeing” some Internet fling named “Henrietta” or “Wilma” or something.
But have no fear: The Basketball Jones is in good hands while I’m gone. Yes, word has it our very own Tas Melas has awoken from his off-season slumber and will be moseying around these quarters, pretending to take care of the place. (Hey, just like me! Ole!)
Unless I’m too inebriated to board the return flight, you can expect me back — with skin cancer and rum — on Saturday October 7th. Until then, though, it’s all Tas.
So here’s the keys, champ — take good care of her, eh.
See you all when I return. Enjoy the start of training camps…
Comments (3)Quickies: WWAKD?
- Forget Jesus, What Would Andrei Kirilenko Do? [UtahJazz.com]
- Merry Christmas, new Bucks jerseys! [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]
- The Grizzlies need to change their playing style, halftime shows and concession service to keep people in the seats. So what’s their new advertising campaign? Oh, “Dunkyland”, of course. [CommercialAppeal.com]
Dunkyland? Are you serious? Who got paid for this amateur hour bullshit? And hey, what was so wrong with their halftime shows in the first place? Yeah, I’m sorry, but this is fucking mint:
- The Black President, Gilbert Arenas has parted ways with his agent, Dan Fergen. Early rumors say, “the tiger told him to do it.” [RealGM]
- C’mon, Julius, shake it off already. (I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Get better, champ.) [RockyMountainNews.com]
- If the Spurs lose any preseason games in France it’s because Coach Popovich is drunk off wine. [MySA.com]
Raptors Season Tickets Draft
My buddy Kieran and I split Raptors season tickets with a bunch of other guys — Tas being one of the “other guys”.
Earlier tonight we held our annual online draft for divvying up the games. Here’s the games Kieran and I scored. We picked 3rd out of 4 “teams”:
San Antonio, Nov. 5
Cleveland, Nov. 22
Chicago, Dec. 29
Atlanta, Jan. 5
Utah, Jan. 19
Washington, Jan. 31
LA Lakers, Feb. 9
Indiana, Feb. 23
Houston, Mar. 16
Charlotte, Apr. 1
Oh, we’ve also got a Nets — “Vince, who?” — preseason game on Oct. 15. (I’ll bring the batteries…)
I’m pumped with the teams/superstars we got. I mean, Kobe, LeBron, T-Mac, Yao, Arenas, Duncan, Rafael Araujo… wow.
This post means nothing. Goodnight.
Comments (5)Mamba vs. Mongoose
Forget Raja Bell, former Utah Jazz guard – *ahem* – Billy Joe Cuthbert is calling out Kobe Bryant.
The mustachioed, Kurt Rambis-like Cuthbert (er, Mongoose) is pissed that Sony’s put the big ol’ Black Mamba on NBA 07’s cover. Cuthbert believes his “vast knowledge of life in the NBA” rightfully makes him the cover boy, and thus is challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one for the title.
He’s even created a pretty snazzy “web-lair” to help get his point across.
As much as I admire Cuthbert’s bravado, I’m doubtful Kobe will answer the call. I guarantee he’s scared shitless of Cuthbert’s superior lock-down defensive.
Anyway, I’m glad to see Cuthbert found his goggles. He’s a much better player with vision.
Mamba vs. Mongoose Website [NBA 07 The Life Vol. 2]
(UPDATE: The Knicks just signed Cuthbert to a three-year, $14M deal. Seems like a steal.)
(UPDATE 2: No, that joke will never get old.)
Comments (5)Quickies: Yao, Vanna White Style
- Dwight Howard — aka ‘Sergeant Snap’ — thinks the Magic can go to the Finals this year. I have no comment. (And oh, I’m slightly reading between the lines here, but it’s sounds like The Man-Child is going to be 2K Sports next cover boy.) [Orlando Sentinel]
- Chuck Klosterman on this year’s playoffs: “People overestimated the idea of the ‘team concept’, so when it got to Wade and Shaq (in the Finals), you get to that last tier, and it’s who has the guy that the other team can’t stop.” [Undeclared — SLAM!]
- As a Radio & TV grad, there’s little I love more than new basketball commercials. Check it: “[Amare] Stoudemire joined teammates Shawn Marion and Steve Nash and NBA stars Kobe Bryant, Jermaine O’Neal, Tony Parker, Chris Paul, Paul Pierce and Rasheed Wallace for the photo shoot to introduce the new Nike ‘Air Force One.’ The commercial was shot in an airplane hangar with the players decked out in flight suits before playing basketball.” [East Valley Tribune]
- Paging Paul Lukas: The Raptors unveil their new-look; The Wizards rumored to be introducing an alternate — black and gold — road jersey. I like; sounds sort of pimp. [TheStar.com & The Washington Times]
- Stromile Swift is back in Memphis. Cool, cool… wait, when did he leave? [CommercialAppeal.com]
- Dear Sirius, when the f you going to return our calls? Look, if you don’t want The Jones on satellite radio, just tell us. [Uncrate]
- Update: Wow, I just pledged my (2nd) allegiance to the Rockets and look what happens! Bonzi agrees to a two-year, $5M deal with Houston. [ESPN]
Tony Parker Gets Plastered
If this is the new Todd McFarlane basketball figure…
I don’t want it.
Tony Parker Et Dans La Garage [YAYsports!]
Comments (4)NBA Prep Work: Bulls
As part of The Basketball Jones extensive ‘06-07 season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 NBA teams. (No, not really.)
Today I see the future with Chicago Bulls guard soothsayer Kirk Hinrich. Our conversation follows:
ONE-ON-ONE WITH … KIRK HINRICH
J.E. Skeets: Kirk, before I start with the questions, I just wanted to let you know–
Kirk Hinrich: What an honor it is to interview me? Yeah, I know.
Skeets: Woah. How… how’d you–
Hinrich: Do that? Oh, gee, I don’t know…
Skeets: Bah! Seriously, how’d you do that? It’s like you took the words–
Hinrich: Right out of your mouth. Yeah, maybe I did.
Skeets: WOAH!
Hinrich: Or maybe I did something else? Something far more incredible.
Skeets: Wow! I… I’m amaz–
Hinrich: Ed. As you should be.
Skeets: OK, that one wasn’t that good.
Hinrich: Too much?
Skeets: Yeah, definitely. Because I had basically said the whole word, you know. “Amaze”. And then you sort of just jumped in there — threw a suffix on the end.
Hinrich: Sorry, I got cocky.
Skeets: But hey, that that stuff at the beginning… impressive.
Hinrich: Thank you.
Skeets: So Kirk, fill us in. What’s your secret?
Hinrich: I can see the future.
Skeets: C’mon, seriously? You’re telling me that you can see the fut–
Hinrich: SKEETS! LOOK OUT!
[Suddenly, a huge light and grip-stand falls over and crashes onto Skeets’ ottoman. He rolls to safety just in the nick of time.]
Skeets: Holy fuck-balls!
Hinrich: Are you OK?
Skeets: Holy shit! A 650-watt Fresnel almost decapitated me!
Hinrich: I know.
Skeets: Man, that would have sucked.
Hinrich: Definitely.
Skeets: It was probably still hot too…
Hinrich: 3rd degree burns for sure…
Skeets: Oh no! My ottoman!
Hinrich: Um, yeah…
Skeets: Ah man, that was my favorite ottoman.
Hinrich: I’m sorry.
Skeets: Solid hardwood framing, plush microfiber upholstery…
Hinrich: Yeah. I hope this isn’t in bad taste, but why were you sitting on an ottoman in the first place?
Skeets: It’s good for my posture.
Hinrich: Oh.
Skeets: Well that just sucks. But hey, thanks for saving my life, Kirk Hinrich.
Hinrich: Not a problem.
Skeets: No, I owe you.
Hinrich: Oh, don’t worry about it.
Skeets: No, no, I owe you. You just saved my fucking life! That’s definitely worth a boat or something.
Hinrich: Please… don’t worry about it.
Skeets: No, trust me. Yeah, I’m going to buy you something one day, and it’s probably going to be a boat.
Hinrich: Ha. I doubt it.
Skeets: I am! I am going to buy you a big ol’ boat!
Hinrich: No you’re not.
Skeets: Yes I am! I am going to buy you a boat. A yacht! A mighty, mighty yacht with rigs and masts and boards. You’ll name it My Sweet Hermione! Oh, I so am buying you a boat. That’s a fucking promise!
Hinrich: Calm down. You are not going to buy me a boat.
Skeets: But I AM! I am going to buy you a boat! Why do you keep saying that?
Hinrich: Skeets…
[Hinrich points to the smashed ottoman.]
Skeets: Oh, right… that future thing…
Hinrich: Yeah…
Skeets: I was never going to buy you a boat, Kirk.
Hinrich: I know, I know…
Skeets: God, you’re good.
Hinrich: It’s a bit of a gift, yes.
But Will The Cubs Still Win The 2015 World Series, Kirk?
[The Basketball Jones]
Quickies: Karl Malone Keeps On Truckin’
- Allegations against Karl Malone of bribery, perjury, racketeering and unjust enrichment dismissed from court. Allegations of Karl Malone actually being white sustained. [Basketbawful]
- Look away Hornets fans: “Tyson [Chandler] turned the rock over on 21.5 percent of the possessions he participated in (the second-worst mark in the league, behind Michael Ruffin).” Bleck. There’s three words you never want to hear–behind Michael Ruffin. [Dwyer / SI.com]
- Nets president Rod Thorn: Vince Carter is “happy”; rookie Josh Boone is “frisky”. Good to know. [ESPN]
- “We’re back” translated all WizzNuttzy: “Like Negative Approach at T&G’s 25th anniversary party, WIZZNUTZZ IS BACK IN ACTION LIKE MAHALIA JACKSON!!! EVEN THOUGH SHE’S DEAD!!!” Ch’eng-Huang, I’ve missed them. [WizzNutzz]
- That’s a lot of deutsche marks, ya! Mavericks give Dirk three-year, $60M extension; will play in Dallas through 2011-12. [The Dallas Morning News]
- Today’s weather forecast: Showers, easterly winds, and an 80% chance of very dangerous rip cunts. [BREAK.com]
This Rounds On Mark Cuban
I once stumbled — shit-faced drunk — across Raptor forward Chris Bosh at a dive in Chinatown. It was about 4am and Bosh was sip-sip-sippin’ on some hot and sour soup, with a very attractive companion across from him. (No, not Pape Sow.)
Anyway, it was a pretty funny “meeting” — I wouldn’t stop yelling “Vince, who?”; he couldn’t stop laughing — but I’m afraid it’s got nothing on The Postmen’s recent run-in with Mavericks — and billionaire-penis — owner, Mark Cuban.
And I’ve got to agree with Deadspin — this is by far the best part:
At one point, no one was saying much, and just about everyone there was blasted beyond smalltalk. Then, out of the silence, Mark jolts up, turns his head around, and blurts, to absolutely no one in particular: “It feels…..FANTASTIC!”
PostmanE’s Encounter With The Man, The Myth - Mark Cuban [We Are The Postmen]
“It Feels … FANTASTIC!” [Deadspin]
You See, He Used His Thumbs For Eating
Anyone here remember Thomas Hamilton? Big, BIG center out of Chicago who saw limited time in Boston and Houston way back when. Yeah, yeah–the guy that made Oliver Miller look like Earl Boykins–that’s him.
Anyway, The Star’s Doug Smith had a funny training camp tale of ol’ big Hamilton today:
[Thomas Hamilton] had to be about 7-feet, somewhere north of 350 pounds and he moved like it on the court. Except…
He got hit on the end of the thumb by a ball, yelped, took off like he’d been shot out of a cannon, lept a tape that was about two feet off the ground and surrounding the court and disappeared down a tunnel.
A bunch of us were in the stands, allowed to watch entire practices because Brendan Malone wasn’t sure if any of us knew whether the ball was blown up or stuff and when Big Ham took off, the late, great Bernie Offstein turned and said:
“Pizza truck’s here.”
We were rolling in the aisles.
Nothin’ But (Inter)Net [TheStar.com]
(Note: That was the largest photo I could find of Thomas Hamilton. Sort of funny when you think about it…)
Comments (0)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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