Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings

When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down (see: Utah). But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you really just suck ass (see: New York). Thus, by scientific process of elimination, the middle of the pack is the ideal place to be.

Starting today — and following every Tuesday from here on out — I’ll pick and rank the NBA’s four most-average teams. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly.

14. Indiana Pacers: Along with stripper guacamole cooch, this team reeks of mediocrity. Their contributing point guard Darrell, is like, 76-years-old, and their All-Star forward Jermaine, may well be the most average “superstar” of our time. With that said, Rick Carlisle could coach a team of mannequins into the playoffs, so this team will definitely strive for five… hundred.

15. Minnesota Timberwolves: Back in university I hosted my own “comedy” radio show called J.E. Skeets & Co. (True story.) I’d play music; talk about current events; and occasionally, come up with skits and/or segments. One such segment was called “Find Me A Mid-Game James”. The premise was simple. I knew a big guy named James (a Big-Game James, if you will), and I knew a little guy named James (a Small-Game James), but I didn’t know a medium-built James (um, yes, a Mid-Game James.) So… I’d get out a phonebook and call people, on air, to see if they knew a Mid-Game James. That was it. It was oddly compelling radio. Anyway, my point is, I consider this year’s T-Wolves my sort of Mid-Game James. Figure it out.

16. Golden State Warriors: This is an odd spot for the annual basement-dwelling Warriors. Every pre-season — dating back to like, 1994 — the Blue-Men are the trendy pick to make the playoffs, but of course, every year, they disappoint and finish deep in the lottery. (Where they draft studs like Todd Fuller!) But this year… this year is different. I can feel it. Now look, I’m not saying they’ll finally make the playoffs or anything, but I think they’ll be close.

17. Milwaukee Bucks: Every time someone talks Bucks’ basketball all I hear in my head is that Peanuts teacher’s trumpet-voice. You know, “Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Redd. Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Charlie V. Mwa-mwa, Bogut, mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Aussie.” Are they average? Yes, ma’am.

(Note: Why the AZ Rankings? Commenter “stopmikelupica” explains:

“We used to have our own word for mediocre — AZ. As in the rapper AZ, from the ‘Bridge (part of The Firm, with Foxy, Nas and Cormega). To us he was the definition of .500. He had talent, but not skills. All you could ever say about AZ was “he’s alright… yep, he’s alright…”. No one could ever muster an adjective other than “alright” when describing him.”

Yup. Works for me…)

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By J.E. Skeets at 2:12 pm on 11.07.2006 — Tags: Kinda Ballin': The AZ Rankings, Pacers, Bucks, Warriors, Wolves

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7 Responses to “Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings”

  1. Unsilent Majority at 2:23 pm on 11.07.2006

    you are so much better than those damn “NBA Experts” who ranked the wiz at 17…KEEP SNUBBING GIL!

    http://www.nba.com/blog/gilbert_arenas.html

  2. stopmikelupica at 3:05 pm on 11.07.2006

    Hmm - we used to have our own word for mediocre - AZ. As in the rapper AZ, from the ‘Bridge (part of The Firm, with Foxy, Nas and Cormega). To us he was the definition of .500. He had talent, but not skills. All you could ever say about AZ was “he’s alright… yep, he’s alright…”. No one could ever muster an adjective other than “alright” when describing him.

    He was the swingmen of rappers, being okay at lots of things (flow, lyrics, etc), but not being great at anything. Mad props to ya if you post a picture of AZ next time you do the median rankings….

  3. J.E. Skeets at 3:31 pm on 11.07.2006

    Done and done.

  4. benjammin' at 4:06 pm on 11.07.2006

    I now like Tuesdays.

  5. stopmikelupica at 4:17 pm on 11.07.2006

    Wow: The Basketball Jones - the Burger King of basketball blogs.

    Thanks for the love. Makes forgive you for picking the Lakers two hours after I wagered on them. We riding together tonight - you, me, K.O.B.E.

  6. Don Paco at 7:05 pm on 11.07.2006

    May I humbly sugggest that, in this otherwise extremely gratifying and humorous post, you replace the two “they’re” in the Indiana paragraph with “their”?

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry for being the pedantic guy who picks on your apostrophes. I know people aren’t meant to spell on the Internets. I’m just so, so sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

  7. Unsilent Majority at 7:05 pm on 11.07.2006

    AZ’s new album is coming out, posters are everywhere for some reason.

    Luke Walton is the best player on the Lakers’ roster

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