NBA Mascots Are Thugs

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Boomer, the Indiana Pacers’ mascot, is being sued for tackling a man during a free-throw shooting contest in March 2005.

The victim, Nathaniel Jackson, alleges he was still recovering from back surgery when Boomer laid him right the fuck out. Jackson seeks compensation for his medical bills, lost income, pain, suffering and “permanent injuries.” It’s a sad, sad story, and one that will probably just end with someone be spayed and neutered.

But here’s the truly depressing part: This incident is just the latest in a long series of felonies and misdemeanors involving current NBA mascots…


Offender: Clutch
Date Of Birth: 1995-11-03
Crime: Was summoned for indecent exposure after police received a report that he was walking in the area of Hunters Creek Village waving his shorts in the air, exposing his gray junk.


Offender: Harry the Hawk
Date Of Birth: 1985-10-25
Crime: Was charged with driving his mini-motorcycle while under the influence of alcohol or drugs (DUI) and failure to drive on the proper side of the sidewalk.


Offender: Moondog
Date Of Birth: 2003-11-05
Crime: Was charged with the 2004 murder of an Ohioan woman. Authorities believe Moondog became enraged with the woman after she refused to stop staring at him while he was dropping a park deuce.


Offender: Hugo
Date Of Birth: 1988-11-04
Crime: Was arrested for shoplifting from a 7-Eleven in Oklahoma. Security cameras mounted behind the cashier showed the NOOCH mascot pocketing two issues of SWANK.


Offender: Rocky
Date of Birth: 1990-12-15
Crime: Rape.

Offender: Burnie
Date Of Birth: 1992
Crime: Was sued in 1994 for dropping a woman during an exhibition game in Puerto Rico. Incredibly, he faced 20 years in jail after being charged with aggravated assault and battery, and was also sued for $1 million dollars for causing emotional distress. The case was settled for $50,000. (Note: I didn’t make this one up.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 1:33 pm on 03.09.2007 — Tags: Police Blotter, Pacers, Mascots

Comments

7 Responses to “NBA Mascots Are Thugs”

  1. Tas Melas at 1:39 pm on 03.09.2007

    Who is this J.E. Skeets writing funny stuff on this site?

  2. Captain Caveman at 2:43 pm on 03.09.2007

    Hooray, Skeets is back on TBJ!

  3. Matt D at 2:49 pm on 03.09.2007

    If he puts enough funny shit on this site, people might not notice the latest Book It! entries.

  4. stopmikelupica at 4:02 pm on 03.09.2007

    Rocky did always strike me as date-rapey. Nice of you to contribute, Skeets.

  5. Scrap at 4:30 pm on 03.09.2007

    Don’t forget Bennie the Bull!

    sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2509090

  6. The District Celtic at 6:25 pm on 03.09.2007

    Hey, doesn’t Lucky the Leprechaun get something for making shitty commercials?

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=-N0Bwy5nSN4

  7. The Basketball Jones » B-Mascot Battle: Thunder vs. Harry - NBA Podcast at 11:17 pm on 04.04.2007

    […] I’m no breakdancin’ expert, but I think I’m going to give the win to Harry. I mean, Thunder killed it with the knee spins and all, but come on; his costume is the much more manageable one of the two. Harry, on the other hand? Nothing but pure, crazy charisma. (Think he was drunk?) The ‘loser’ sign he throws up at the :55 second mark is just so badass. Ride or die, Harry. Ride. Or. Die. […]

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