‘07 NBA Season Preview: Boston Celtics
Like my NFL-humping brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so, we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. We’ve already done the Hawks. (CAW!) But today: The Boston Celtics.
Three Facts About The Boston Celtics:
1. This ‘07 Celtics roster is loaded with Hollywood talent! Ray Allen stared in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, Sebastian Telfair was the subject of his very own documentary Through The Fire, and Brian Scalabrine made an appearance in Billy Madison. Seriously. He’s credited as the piece of shit.
2. Pulled from the womb January 1, 1986, Glen Davis is still recognized as the largest New Year’s baby ever born. He weighed 260 pounds, sans champagne and party hat. (Bonus fact: He eats basketballs for breakfast.)
3. While working at a nuclear power plant, Kendrick Perkins was exposed to massive amounts of radiation that affected his genes. As a result, Kendrick transformed into a mutant beast nicknamed … well, ‘Beast.’ His superpowers include rebounding and chillin’ like a squirrel.
Projected ‘07 Record: 39-43, 4th in Atlantic
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Lucky The Leprechaun: ‘Yes, I’m Gay.’
Obligatory Celtics YouTube Video: Bird, Walton and Co. Do ‘The Wave’
One-On-One With … Gerald Green!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. (Yeah, just like Big Daddy Drew! Weird, eh?) For the Celtics, it’s ’07 ‘Champion of Dunking’ Gerald Green.
J.E. Skeets: Gerald Green. Wow. Thanks for taking time out of your busy off-season schedule to sit down and talk with me today.
Gerald Green: No problem. Anytime.
Skeets: You don’t do dick shit during the off-season do you?
Green: Not. A. Thing.
Skeets: Yeah, didn’t think so. Seen any good movies lately?
Green: Um, yeah. I finally caught that Transformers flick the other night. Not bad.
Skeets: Ooh! Megan Fox!
Green: Drop dead gorgeous, man.
Skeets: Isn’t she? Whew!
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Ooh! Ooh! That one scene where’s she’s rocking the mid-drift, checking under Bumblebee’s hood …
Green: Ha. Yeah, she’s nice.
Skeets: I bet you’d like to hit that foxhole, eh? Eh?
Green: Ha.
Skeets: Am I right or am I right?
Green: OK …
Skeets: Get her back to your place, drink some wine …
Green: Easy, man.
Skeets: … Introduce to her to the ol’ G-Money perma-shocker–
Green: HEY!
Skeets: What?
Green: That’s enough, dude. C’mon.
Skeets: Oh. Too much?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: The foxhole line or the part about your nub finger?
Green: Can we just move on?
Skeets: Of course. Gerald Green: Take us through the range of emotions that you felt when you first jumped over that table in Vegas?
Green: Joy.
Skeets: That’s it?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: My goodness. How interesting. How bizarre.
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Hey, how’s Paul Pierce’s foot doing? Is he still taking the Ginkgo Biloba I sent him?
Green: He’s doing much better.
Skeets: Good. Quickly: Favorite American Gladiators event? Go.
Green: Swingshot.
Skeets: Nice. I see here you own three dogs. You ever pit them against each other?
Green: No.
Skeets: You never set up a makeshift ring in the middle of your dining room and just let those lil’ fuckers go at it?
Green: No!
Skeets: Me either. Gerald Green, it’s been a “joy” talking to you today.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: You see what I did there?
Green: Yes. Joy. I said that earlier.
Skeets: Yeah, I wrote it down.
Green: OK.
Skeets: Little thing I picked up at community college.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: Centennial College. I would’ve got my diploma, too. You know, if they hadn’t kicked me out of school for trying to take a dump on the professor’s desk during a Dadaism presentation.
Green: Um, I’m going to get going now.
Skeets: Goodbye, Gerald Green.
Green: Bye.
Sunny Days
Like everyone else, I couldn’t help but scratch the old noggin when I heard the Suns had given away even more assets this offseason for salary cap relief. The moves: 2 future first round picks and Kurt Thomas to Seattle for an $8 million dollar trade exception after giving away Rudy Fernandez and James Jones to Portland for $3 million on draft night. It’s a lot more of the same for Phoenix who gave away 2 potential Steve Nash replacements at the draft in ‘06 by trading Rajon Rondo to Boston and Sergio Rodriguez to Portland in identical cap-related moves.
However, these trades do not affect the team’s core. The offense happy Suns don’t allow just anyone to become part of their rotation - in the playoffs, they only ran 7 guys - and with 9 players locked up for the next 2 seasons, there isn’t much burn to go around. Sure, you can argue this kills the team’s future for some dolla dolla bills in the short term, but Phoenix is also picky about the young players occupying space on their bench, and they simply don’t play kids. The roster for this coming season now sits at 11 players, including the newly drafted Alando Tucker and will likely be 12 when 2nd round pick D.J. Strawberry (what a name!), inks a contract.
So, there is some youth there. And, then there’s the rest of the green squad: Amare, Boris Diaw, Barbosa, a boyish 29-year-old Shawn Marion, and a withering Marcus Banks who has the legs of a teenager because he never sees the floor. There just aren’t many minutes to be given out in this tight rotation for the foreseeable future. Not to mention, the team owns Atlanta’s 1st round pick in 2008, which will obviously be a far better player than any of the selections they’ve traded to Boston, Portland or Seattle. The Suns prefer to fill those last roster spots with veterans who can help them win now - your Jalen Rose types - and those guys are available throughout the season.
As for Kurt Thomas, I personally really admired his game. He is a pro’s pro. I loved watching him hammer his own head in frustration when he made a mistake guarding Tim Duncan this postseason. People are now asking, “Who’s going to guard Duncan or Carlos Boozer?” The answer is: NO ONE! These guys are virtually unstoppable and I’m sure Phoenix thinks the trade off of having a front line of Grant Hill-Marion-Amare will give them the advantage on the offensive end - the end they care about. By signing Hill, the Suns more than made up for whatever professionalism and locker room presence they lost by giving away Thomas. On the floor, people forget how good Hill was. Yes, that was signifies the past, but in an offense with so many other weapons, Grant will have room to use his skills and smarts.
Despite everyone ragging on their moves, the team is one year older and ready to contend for the gold ball. And, hold up. Isn’t the Thomas move what the salary cap was designed for? To ensure there was some parity in the league so you didn’t have teams buying championships like you have in Major League Baseball? Even though the NBA’s cap is softer that Elton Brand’s voice, it does work to a degree. All in all, you’ve gotta like the Suns’ chances the next few years.
Comments (11)The Fix Is In: NBA Ref To Be Arrested For Gambling
Whoa boy! This is going to get ugly …
The New York Post is reporting that an NBA referee is being investigated by the FBI for his ties to the mob and betting on basketball games.
The investigation, which began more than a year ago, is zeroing in on blockbuster allegations that the referee was making calls that affected the point spread to guarantee that he - and the hoods who had their hooks in him - cashed in on large bets.
Federal agents are set to arrest the referee and a cadre of mobsters and their associates who lined their pockets, sources said.
The sources indicated the referee apparently had a gambling problem, slipped into debt and fell prey to mob thugs.
The official, whose name was withheld, allegedly wagered on games during the 2005-06 and 2006-07 NBA seasons.
One of the first names being thrown around is Joey Crawford. Darren Rovell reminds us that Joey was one of nine referees who pleaded guilty to downgrading their first class airline tickets, pocketing the money and not reporting it on their income tax returns way back in ‘91. Shifty, bastard.
Of course, it was also the Little Bald Bulldog, Joey, who notoriously ejected Tim Duncan back in April for laughing on the bench. A lot of people speculated that Joey’s odd action was a possible sign that he or someone he knew had a bet on Dallas. Again, very shifty.
But I don’t think its Joey. No. Something tells me it’s a much younger ref, which is why I’m arbitrarily guessing Zach Zarba. Two (stupid) reasons why: 1.) He’s from Brooklyn. The family ties are there. And 2.) His name. You just can’t ever trust a man with that many Z’s in his name.
Book him, boys!
Update: Tim Donaghy is under investigation! Unsilent Majority called it! (scroll down)
Comments (6)‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks
Like my NFL-humping KSK brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. First up, alphabetically of course, the Atlanta Hawks. CAW!
Three Facts About The Atlanta Hawks:
1. All-Star guard Joe Johnson’s official nickname is the Armadillo Cowboy. It is loosely based on a Spike Jonze documentary about two suburban teenagers who wear tight jeans and ride water drums in the forest.
2. Sweaty Georgian center Zaza Pachulia suffers from a chronic case of ‘bacne’ — photo evidence coming soon! — because he always sleeps with his backpack on. The Hawks plan to handout free benzoyl peroxide cream to first 10,000 fans every Sunday home game.
3. In June of this year, the Hawks unveiled new uniforms, colors and logos to the unsuspecting public. Deciding to drop the classic yellow for a slick red-white-navy blue color scheme, the new Hawks logo looks like what’d you get if the Arizona Cardinals and Charlotte Bobcats fucked each other.
Projected ‘07 Record: 35-47, 4th in Southeast
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Hawks Mount HDTV Scoreboard To Shelden Williams‘ Forehead
Obligatory Hawks YouTube Video: Harry Rides A Mini-Motorcycle
One-On-One With … Tyronn Lue!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. For the Hawks, it’s toddler-like point guard Tyronn Lue.
J.E. Skeets: OK, let’s get right into it: What’s it like to be the youngest player in the NBA?
Tyronn Lue: I’m not.
Skeets: What? I thought you were thirteen.
Lue: No. I’m thirty.
Skeets: Really? Cuz I heard Coach Woodson breast-feeds you on long road trips.
Lue: I’m thirty.
Skeets: Wow. Well you look good for your age, man.
Lue: Thank you.
Skeets: You moisturize?
Lue: Sharps Barber & Shop daily prep lotion.
Skeets: Ah, nice.
Lue: I like to think so.
Skeets: Tyronn, who’s your favorite Josh in the world? Smith, Childress or Hartnett?
Lue: I like J-Smooth and Childress equally; they’re both good kids. I’ve never heard of that last guy.
Skeets: Josh Harnett. He was that douche in Pearl Harbor.
Lue: Oh, right.
Skeets: Have you ever had dinner with Salim Stoudemire?
Lue: Yes.
Skeets: Did he pass you the dinner rolls when you asked?
Lue: I think so.
Skeets: Mm, I doubt that. Hey, Tyronn, why do you braid your hair?
Lue: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just something I do. Always have.
Skeets: Do you braid – *whistles, points* – down there?
Lue: No comment.
Skeets: Hey, how demoralizing was it that time you were traded for Jon Barry?
Lue: Jon was an excellent NBA role player.
Skeets: But what a fuck-up on the mic, eh?
Lue: I’ve never seen him on air.
Skeets: Oh, right, you just watch Bob the Builder all day.
Lue: Sorry?
Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?
Skeets: Tyronn, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you this afternoon.
Lue: Yup.
Skeets: I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.
Lue: Um, OK.
You Is GODE
After Greg Oden dissed my nickname for him, I’ve tried to come up with something better. But guess what? I can’t. ‘Cause I’ve already come up with the best possible moniker there is:
Greg Oden is GODE. (Sounds way better if you say it in a Darth Vader type voice.)
Now I don’t wanna bring religion into this. No, thanks. But that’s why this name is perfect. It sort of insinuates that Oden is a God like figure without actually saying it. He is calm and serene. He can grow a hell of a beard. He plays at the big man’s spot, and arguably, the most important position. He looks wise beyond his years. I’m sure he can turn basketballs into cows. It just feels like there should be a permanent halo of light around that noggin’. He’s 19 years old and he’s that good. He’s just better than all of us.
You got anything better? Doubt it.
Photo: Greg Oden! by lullypop13
Comments (33)Calling All Graphic Designers/Developers
I’ll make this quick because I’ve got this to memorize …
The Basketball Jones website is in dire need of an off-season facelift. We need a new logo, a fresh re-design, and most importantly, t-shirts! (Yes, those Joe Johnson-Armadillo Cowboy tees will happen, damn it!)
So, I turn to you, o wise TBJ readers… Does anyone know a talented website designer/developer who might be interested in adding The Basketball Jones to their portfolio?
We’re not sure how much coin we can front, but Tas has promised to offer up his body. That’s got to be worth something, right?
We’re preferably looking for some young, fresh, hip designer — um, I have no idea what any of that means — so if you know someone who fits the bill, please, drop me a line with their site and/or details. My e-mail is: jeskeets[at]gmail[dot]com. Thanks in advance, guys and gals.
Comments (1)Defending The Magic
Hey, Otis Smith. How? Why? What? You just signed Rashard Lewis to a franchise player contract when everyone knows he is definitely NOT a franchise player. You just turned your best transaction - getting Darko from the Pistons - in to NOTHING by letting the big man walk.
That being said, the signing of Lewis has convinced Dwight Howard to stay on and sign an extension. The best young big man in the world will be part of your core until 2013. Young Thunder is the franchise player, not Lewis. So, how do you sign a #2 guy for max money?
On the court, Rashard is the perfect player for Orlando. He’s joined a team that will hide his flaws. At the defensive end, Howard will reject any shot taken by the player Lewis is guarding, Tony Battie will gobble up rebounds and set screens for ‘Shard, Trevor Ariza will use his athleticism to board, Jameer Nelson and Carlos Arroyo should create opportunities so Lewis doesn’t always have to do it on his own. ‘Shard is a one trick pony, he scores, scores and scores. If you surround him with players that will do everything else, your team can be successful. That’s what a team is. Yes, it’s better to have 5 guys on the floor that are more well-rounded if you want to be looking down on teams in the standing for years on end (see: Spurs), but as Orlando matures and adds parts, I think the supporting cast can complement Lewis and Howard. Did they overpay for their ultimate need?
Watching the Magic this year, all I kept thinking was they need someone to score from the outside. Grant Hill couldn’t do it, but Lewis can. Of course, I understand the thinking that giving all these ducats to a guy who isn’t a build-your-team-around kind of player sort of cripples your growth towards a championship. Now, I assume that Otis Smith didn’t bid against himself. I know I’m being naive here; this ass backwards type of move has happened before. ESPN’s Chad Ford points out (Insider) that Smith likely did just that, but I still can’t fathom how someone put in the position of GM can possibly do that (it’s time for a fantasy GM reality show). And maybe I’ve been drinking a little to much of the Rashard Lewis Kool-Aid. He’s never been happy in Seattle and I was always under the impression that he would become motivated and propel his game once he skipped town. He keeps telling us that he wants to be the team’s go to guy. As it was pointed out in the comments of our last podcast by Lazlo, ‘Shard has never shown he can be The Man. And, on a side note here - why am I the only one getting the hate from the commenters? Just ’cause ‘Skeets is off making lots of funnies while Ufford is gone on With Leather, it doesn’t mean he should escape the wrath (shameless plug, that). Back to Lewis. In a way, with the Magic, he won’t have to be the guy taking the big shots. Once Howard develops his inside game, Thunder will take the last minute attempts, but when teams double Dwight, it will be up to Lewis to make the big one. Rashard will be 28 in August - it’s his time to peak.
So, was Lewis the beneficiary of a weak free agent class? Yes. Was he the best available fit for the Magic on the market? No doubt about it. With Grant leaving, maybe the Magic didn’t feel comfortable not having a guy signed to a max contract. Either way, with the salary cap rising at the clip it’s been flying at, I’m sure Smith is hoping for more $$$ to sign the necessary role players. Personally, I feel Lewis was the best player available to enhance Howard’s skills. Smith acted very quickly, overestimating Lewis’ value, but ‘Shard makes this team a lot better. Whether he can perform near the level of a player usually given franchise dollars is up to him. He hasn’t proven it in the past.
Comments (9)Ep. 183: After The Party …
There was no hotel lobby, but there was Jamaal Magloire.
The Basketball Jones Podcast — Episode 183 (.mp3)
On today’s show, Skeets and I discuss: if the Magic signing Rashard Lewis to all those dollars makes sense; the not-so-promising situations in Charlotte and Milwaukee; if anyone should give a crap about the NBA Summer League; the newest Laker, Derek Fisher; and much, much, more …
Oh, all that, and All-Star Jamaal in a Montreal lobby? Yes, it’s true. Some dreams do come true.
Subscribe to The Basketball Jones podcast: iTunes | Email
Photo: Drunk in Hats! by emmajc.
Comments (16)
The Next One(s)?
Kevin Durant is a carbon copy of MJ in the mid-80’s. The smile, the bright eyes, the boyish good looks, the way he talks, the way he carries himself. He’s got everything it takes to be the next one. And this really has nothing to do with who Jeff Green is, but since he’s gonna be Durant’s running mate for a while in Seattle, let’s make him the next Scottie Pippen. He does have the all around type game and maybe he’ll marry a gorgeous Assyrian-American and lose lots of money to Kevin playing poker.
Which beings us to another pair of pseudo-ballers/gamblers. Young Skeets (Jordan) and I (Pips) will bring you a podcast by about noon on Thursday. J.E. will lead the stories of us running the casino in Montreal (sort of), and I will compliment his game.
So, if you have any questions or comments, please get ‘em in. There’s a 93% chance we’ll use one of your calls and/or e-mails.*
Subscribe to The Basketball Jones podcast: iTunes Email
*I always provide better odds than Skeets.
Comments (7)Ep. 182: Su-Su-Studio …
Just say the word!
The Basketball Jones Podcast — Episode 182 (.mp3)
On today’s show, Tas and I discuss: the latest free agent signings (Rashard, Vince, Luke, etc.); those big draft day deals (Z-Bo to NY, Jesus to Boston, J-Rich to Charlotte); Eazy Yi and Milwaukee’s Asian population; whether the East is finally gaining some ground; and much, much, more …
Oh, all that, and turbo cereal? Mind blasting!
Subscribe to The Basketball Jones podcast: iTunes | Email
Photo: Inside the recording studio by Morton Fox.
Comments (13)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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- Ep. 308: The Fix – Friday, May 9th
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- Ep. 304: The Fix – Friday, May 2nd