‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks
Like my NFL-humping KSK brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. First up, alphabetically of course, the Atlanta Hawks. CAW!
Three Facts About The Atlanta Hawks:
1. All-Star guard Joe Johnson’s official nickname is the Armadillo Cowboy. It is loosely based on a Spike Jonze documentary about two suburban teenagers who wear tight jeans and ride water drums in the forest.
2. Sweaty Georgian center Zaza Pachulia suffers from a chronic case of ‘bacne’ — photo evidence coming soon! — because he always sleeps with his backpack on. The Hawks plan to handout free benzoyl peroxide cream to first 10,000 fans every Sunday home game.
3. In June of this year, the Hawks unveiled new uniforms, colors and logos to the unsuspecting public. Deciding to drop the classic yellow for a slick red-white-navy blue color scheme, the new Hawks logo looks like what’d you get if the Arizona Cardinals and Charlotte Bobcats fucked each other.
Projected ‘07 Record: 35-47, 4th in Southeast
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Hawks Mount HDTV Scoreboard To Shelden Williams‘ Forehead
Obligatory Hawks YouTube Video: Harry Rides A Mini-Motorcycle
One-On-One With … Tyronn Lue!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. For the Hawks, it’s toddler-like point guard Tyronn Lue.
J.E. Skeets: OK, let’s get right into it: What’s it like to be the youngest player in the NBA?
Tyronn Lue: I’m not.
Skeets: What? I thought you were thirteen.
Lue: No. I’m thirty.
Skeets: Really? Cuz I heard Coach Woodson breast-feeds you on long road trips.
Lue: I’m thirty.
Skeets: Wow. Well you look good for your age, man.
Lue: Thank you.
Skeets: You moisturize?
Lue: Sharps Barber & Shop daily prep lotion.
Skeets: Ah, nice.
Lue: I like to think so.
Skeets: Tyronn, who’s your favorite Josh in the world? Smith, Childress or Hartnett?
Lue: I like J-Smooth and Childress equally; they’re both good kids. I’ve never heard of that last guy.
Skeets: Josh Harnett. He was that douche in Pearl Harbor.
Lue: Oh, right.
Skeets: Have you ever had dinner with Salim Stoudemire?
Lue: Yes.
Skeets: Did he pass you the dinner rolls when you asked?
Lue: I think so.
Skeets: Mm, I doubt that. Hey, Tyronn, why do you braid your hair?
Lue: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just something I do. Always have.
Skeets: Do you braid – *whistles, points* – down there?
Lue: No comment.
Skeets: Hey, how demoralizing was it that time you were traded for Jon Barry?
Lue: Jon was an excellent NBA role player.
Skeets: But what a fuck-up on the mic, eh?
Lue: I’ve never seen him on air.
Skeets: Oh, right, you just watch Bob the Builder all day.
Lue: Sorry?
Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?
Skeets: Tyronn, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you this afternoon.
Lue: Yup.
Skeets: I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.
Lue: Um, OK.
Comments
11 Responses to “‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks”
Leave a Reply
About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
Podcast
Latest Episodes
- Ep. 312: The Fix – Friday, May 16th
- Ep. 311: The Fix – Thursday, May 15th
- Ep. 310: The Fix – Wednesday, May 14th
- Ep. 309: The Fix – Tuesday, May 13th
- Ep. 308: The Fix – Friday, May 9th
Sharps makes excellent hair care and skin products. I don’t look this good automatically, you know.
Tepid. Rather uninspired. As Mark Jackson(remember when he used to make a cross with his forearms after making a shot? I do) would say “You BETTA than dat”.
Pick yo game up, Skeeters.
So why did Lue decide to drop the “e” off his first name? This is the question that keeps me up at night!
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
Wow. This has potential. Like, “Max Roach picks up some drumsticks for the first time”-type potential. I refine that, and come up with something better in 12 hours.
In the meantime, niiiiiice.
Well done. Calling him a woman would’ve been too easy.
“I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.”
Haha, that one brought a smile to my face.
If things fall into place I can seriously say with a straight face that they’ll be better than the Magic. They have something solid at each position now with the additions of Law at pg and Horford at pf. They just need someone with half a brain to by the team from Atlanta’s owners and they need a GM who doesn’t have down-syndrome.
Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?
Took me a second there, but I nearly cried when I it hit me. This is funny stuff - thx skeets!
As also a reader of KSK (but loyal Basketball Joneser, of course), this was eerily similar. As in exactly the same as what they do at KSK. This was good, and I’m confident you’ll get better with practice. I’d just be careful, or make sure the KSK boys are ok with you stealing their format.
[…] Basketball Jones Couldn’t really find an adequate thread to stick this in. A lighter take on things happening in the NBA. It may be a little over the top but quite funny. If you don’t like swear words a whole lot then it probably isn’t for you. This is a season preview for the Hawks. The Basketball Jones » ‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks - NBA Podcast […]
totally had him pegged for Kiss My Face lotion…shows what I know.
Fucking hilarious, Skeets!
[…] Like my NFL-humping brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so, we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. We’ve already done the Hawks. (CAW!) But today: The Boston Celtics. […]