‘07 NBA Season Preview: Boston Celtics
Like my NFL-humping brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so, we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. We’ve already done the Hawks. (CAW!) But today: The Boston Celtics.
Three Facts About The Boston Celtics:
1. This ‘07 Celtics roster is loaded with Hollywood talent! Ray Allen stared in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, Sebastian Telfair was the subject of his very own documentary Through The Fire, and Brian Scalabrine made an appearance in Billy Madison. Seriously. He’s credited as the piece of shit.
2. Pulled from the womb January 1, 1986, Glen Davis is still recognized as the largest New Year’s baby ever born. He weighed 260 pounds, sans champagne and party hat. (Bonus fact: He eats basketballs for breakfast.)
3. While working at a nuclear power plant, Kendrick Perkins was exposed to massive amounts of radiation that affected his genes. As a result, Kendrick transformed into a mutant beast nicknamed … well, ‘Beast.’ His superpowers include rebounding and chillin’ like a squirrel.
Projected ‘07 Record: 39-43, 4th in Atlantic
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Lucky The Leprechaun: ‘Yes, I’m Gay.’
Obligatory Celtics YouTube Video: Bird, Walton and Co. Do ‘The Wave’
One-On-One With … Gerald Green!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. (Yeah, just like Big Daddy Drew! Weird, eh?) For the Celtics, it’s ’07 ‘Champion of Dunking’ Gerald Green.
J.E. Skeets: Gerald Green. Wow. Thanks for taking time out of your busy off-season schedule to sit down and talk with me today.
Gerald Green: No problem. Anytime.
Skeets: You don’t do dick shit during the off-season do you?
Green: Not. A. Thing.
Skeets: Yeah, didn’t think so. Seen any good movies lately?
Green: Um, yeah. I finally caught that Transformers flick the other night. Not bad.
Skeets: Ooh! Megan Fox!
Green: Drop dead gorgeous, man.
Skeets: Isn’t she? Whew!
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Ooh! Ooh! That one scene where’s she’s rocking the mid-drift, checking under Bumblebee’s hood …
Green: Ha. Yeah, she’s nice.
Skeets: I bet you’d like to hit that foxhole, eh? Eh?
Green: Ha.
Skeets: Am I right or am I right?
Green: OK …
Skeets: Get her back to your place, drink some wine …
Green: Easy, man.
Skeets: … Introduce to her to the ol’ G-Money perma-shocker–
Green: HEY!
Skeets: What?
Green: That’s enough, dude. C’mon.
Skeets: Oh. Too much?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: The foxhole line or the part about your nub finger?
Green: Can we just move on?
Skeets: Of course. Gerald Green: Take us through the range of emotions that you felt when you first jumped over that table in Vegas?
Green: Joy.
Skeets: That’s it?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: My goodness. How interesting. How bizarre.
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Hey, how’s Paul Pierce’s foot doing? Is he still taking the Ginkgo Biloba I sent him?
Green: He’s doing much better.
Skeets: Good. Quickly: Favorite American Gladiators event? Go.
Green: Swingshot.
Skeets: Nice. I see here you own three dogs. You ever pit them against each other?
Green: No.
Skeets: You never set up a makeshift ring in the middle of your dining room and just let those lil’ fuckers go at it?
Green: No!
Skeets: Me either. Gerald Green, it’s been a “joy” talking to you today.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: You see what I did there?
Green: Yes. Joy. I said that earlier.
Skeets: Yeah, I wrote it down.
Green: OK.
Skeets: Little thing I picked up at community college.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: Centennial College. I would’ve got my diploma, too. You know, if they hadn’t kicked me out of school for trying to take a dump on the professor’s desk during a Dadaism presentation.
Green: Um, I’m going to get going now.
Skeets: Goodbye, Gerald Green.
Green: Bye.
‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks
Like my NFL-humping KSK brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. First up, alphabetically of course, the Atlanta Hawks. CAW!
Three Facts About The Atlanta Hawks:
1. All-Star guard Joe Johnson’s official nickname is the Armadillo Cowboy. It is loosely based on a Spike Jonze documentary about two suburban teenagers who wear tight jeans and ride water drums in the forest.
2. Sweaty Georgian center Zaza Pachulia suffers from a chronic case of ‘bacne’ — photo evidence coming soon! — because he always sleeps with his backpack on. The Hawks plan to handout free benzoyl peroxide cream to first 10,000 fans every Sunday home game.
3. In June of this year, the Hawks unveiled new uniforms, colors and logos to the unsuspecting public. Deciding to drop the classic yellow for a slick red-white-navy blue color scheme, the new Hawks logo looks like what’d you get if the Arizona Cardinals and Charlotte Bobcats fucked each other.
Projected ‘07 Record: 35-47, 4th in Southeast
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Hawks Mount HDTV Scoreboard To Shelden Williams‘ Forehead
Obligatory Hawks YouTube Video: Harry Rides A Mini-Motorcycle
One-On-One With … Tyronn Lue!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. For the Hawks, it’s toddler-like point guard Tyronn Lue.
J.E. Skeets: OK, let’s get right into it: What’s it like to be the youngest player in the NBA?
Tyronn Lue: I’m not.
Skeets: What? I thought you were thirteen.
Lue: No. I’m thirty.
Skeets: Really? Cuz I heard Coach Woodson breast-feeds you on long road trips.
Lue: I’m thirty.
Skeets: Wow. Well you look good for your age, man.
Lue: Thank you.
Skeets: You moisturize?
Lue: Sharps Barber & Shop daily prep lotion.
Skeets: Ah, nice.
Lue: I like to think so.
Skeets: Tyronn, who’s your favorite Josh in the world? Smith, Childress or Hartnett?
Lue: I like J-Smooth and Childress equally; they’re both good kids. I’ve never heard of that last guy.
Skeets: Josh Harnett. He was that douche in Pearl Harbor.
Lue: Oh, right.
Skeets: Have you ever had dinner with Salim Stoudemire?
Lue: Yes.
Skeets: Did he pass you the dinner rolls when you asked?
Lue: I think so.
Skeets: Mm, I doubt that. Hey, Tyronn, why do you braid your hair?
Lue: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just something I do. Always have.
Skeets: Do you braid – *whistles, points* – down there?
Lue: No comment.
Skeets: Hey, how demoralizing was it that time you were traded for Jon Barry?
Lue: Jon was an excellent NBA role player.
Skeets: But what a fuck-up on the mic, eh?
Lue: I’ve never seen him on air.
Skeets: Oh, right, you just watch Bob the Builder all day.
Lue: Sorry?
Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?
Skeets: Tyronn, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you this afternoon.
Lue: Yup.
Skeets: I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.
Lue: Um, OK.
In The Year Two-Thousand …
… um, and ten.
J.E. Skeets (Toronto): Will Hubie Brown
willbe completely translucent by 2010?Brian Windhorst: (12:14 PM ET) J.E. is a funny guy. You hardcore basketball fans should look up his blog.
As for Hubie, a few years ago someone gave him a makeover with that fancy haircut with bangs. He might consider another. But his commentary is still right on the money and I assume he’ll only get smarter by 2010.
Funny, I don’t making remember making double that double “will” typo. Funny.
Thanks for the shout-out Brian. If I knew you were going to field my question, I would’ve asked you to freestyle for us a little bit. Oh well, maybe tomorrow…
Chat With Brian Windhorst [ESPN Sportsnation]
(Note: The highlight of the chat had to be this little exchange:
Eduardo: Sup playboy, How are my Clips going to be looking like in 2010?”
Windhorst: I’m no playboy, Eduardo, I live in Cleveland.)
Shane Battier, Bit Of A Dick?
Maybe it’s just me, but I thought new Rockets forward Shane Battier was supposed to be like some super-duper nice guy or something? You know, the type of dude who’d give you his left kidney after meeting you for five minutes.
Because I must say, after reading his live chat on NBA.com this afternoon, Shane Battier seems like a real Grade-A dickhead to me.
*Shrugs*
Decide for yourself, I guess:
William (Kennesaw): Hey shane, what was your reaction when you heard you got traded to houston?
Shane Battier: Hey William, why don’t you try capitalizing my name you stupid piece of shit? It’s called a noun, ya fuckin’ douche. And wow, Kennesaw, eh? Damn, I didn’t realize you guys had the Internet down there yet. Good for you! You guys got “cell phones” too?
Marco (corpus christi): what do you bring to the rockets line-up? what are the challenges you see ahead in your first year as a rocket?
Shane Battier: What do I bring to the Rockets line-up? Oh, gee, I don’t know — killer good looks and a huge cock? Dude, I bring EVERYTHING to this Rockets line-up. We’re talking power, we’re talking speed, smarts … man, I’m like Mr. Perfect! Now watch me throw this football 50 yards and still catch it.
james (honolulu): shane! i was so excited when we traded for you, no disrespect to rudy but you’re a proven winner and i think at times last season we missed that attitude. i wanted to know what position jeff told you you’d be playing? i hope PF cuz that’ll really help us space the floor more for yao
Shane Battier: First off, you’re all welcome that I was traded here so you don’t have to cheer for some guy named “Gay”. Ha! Gay … gimme a break.
I talked to Coach Van Gundy and I told him I was comfortable playing any position on the floor. Yeah, 1-thru-5. Hell, I even told him I’d P.A. our home games if he wanted. He said he’d think about it. I have a great fuckin’ voice. Da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee…
Chat With New Rocket Shane Battier [NBA.com]
(By the way, I love Shane Battier. I wish he was my father.)
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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