‘07 NBA Season Preview: Boston Celtics
Like my NFL-humping brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so, we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. We’ve already done the Hawks. (CAW!) But today: The Boston Celtics.
Three Facts About The Boston Celtics:
1. This ‘07 Celtics roster is loaded with Hollywood talent! Ray Allen stared in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, Sebastian Telfair was the subject of his very own documentary Through The Fire, and Brian Scalabrine made an appearance in Billy Madison. Seriously. He’s credited as the piece of shit.
2. Pulled from the womb January 1, 1986, Glen Davis is still recognized as the largest New Year’s baby ever born. He weighed 260 pounds, sans champagne and party hat. (Bonus fact: He eats basketballs for breakfast.)
3. While working at a nuclear power plant, Kendrick Perkins was exposed to massive amounts of radiation that affected his genes. As a result, Kendrick transformed into a mutant beast nicknamed … well, ‘Beast.’ His superpowers include rebounding and chillin’ like a squirrel.
Projected ‘07 Record: 39-43, 4th in Atlantic
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Lucky The Leprechaun: ‘Yes, I’m Gay.’
Obligatory Celtics YouTube Video: Bird, Walton and Co. Do ‘The Wave’
One-On-One With … Gerald Green!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. (Yeah, just like Big Daddy Drew! Weird, eh?) For the Celtics, it’s ’07 ‘Champion of Dunking’ Gerald Green.
J.E. Skeets: Gerald Green. Wow. Thanks for taking time out of your busy off-season schedule to sit down and talk with me today.
Gerald Green: No problem. Anytime.
Skeets: You don’t do dick shit during the off-season do you?
Green: Not. A. Thing.
Skeets: Yeah, didn’t think so. Seen any good movies lately?
Green: Um, yeah. I finally caught that Transformers flick the other night. Not bad.
Skeets: Ooh! Megan Fox!
Green: Drop dead gorgeous, man.
Skeets: Isn’t she? Whew!
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Ooh! Ooh! That one scene where’s she’s rocking the mid-drift, checking under Bumblebee’s hood …
Green: Ha. Yeah, she’s nice.
Skeets: I bet you’d like to hit that foxhole, eh? Eh?
Green: Ha.
Skeets: Am I right or am I right?
Green: OK …
Skeets: Get her back to your place, drink some wine …
Green: Easy, man.
Skeets: … Introduce to her to the ol’ G-Money perma-shocker–
Green: HEY!
Skeets: What?
Green: That’s enough, dude. C’mon.
Skeets: Oh. Too much?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: The foxhole line or the part about your nub finger?
Green: Can we just move on?
Skeets: Of course. Gerald Green: Take us through the range of emotions that you felt when you first jumped over that table in Vegas?
Green: Joy.
Skeets: That’s it?
Green: Yes.
Skeets: My goodness. How interesting. How bizarre.
Green: Yeah.
Skeets: Hey, how’s Paul Pierce’s foot doing? Is he still taking the Ginkgo Biloba I sent him?
Green: He’s doing much better.
Skeets: Good. Quickly: Favorite American Gladiators event? Go.
Green: Swingshot.
Skeets: Nice. I see here you own three dogs. You ever pit them against each other?
Green: No.
Skeets: You never set up a makeshift ring in the middle of your dining room and just let those lil’ fuckers go at it?
Green: No!
Skeets: Me either. Gerald Green, it’s been a “joy” talking to you today.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: You see what I did there?
Green: Yes. Joy. I said that earlier.
Skeets: Yeah, I wrote it down.
Green: OK.
Skeets: Little thing I picked up at community college.
Green: Yup.
Skeets: Centennial College. I would’ve got my diploma, too. You know, if they hadn’t kicked me out of school for trying to take a dump on the professor’s desk during a Dadaism presentation.
Green: Um, I’m going to get going now.
Skeets: Goodbye, Gerald Green.
Green: Bye.
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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