Gilbert Arenas - From Hero To Zero?
Gilbert Arenas was once everyone’s everyman. He was the people’s person: saying whatever was going on in his brain, but saying it from the heart. He’s part whacked, part amazing - but it may be the wacko half that is taking over.
In the last week Gil has called Jose Calderon Kevin Ollie, revealed he used a rusty razor on his hibachi, and he’s killed many buzzes with his drink of choice.
Is Gil’s funny man routine on the decline? Or, is he just going nutty ’cause he’s sitting at home injured, unable to school DeShawn Stevenson daily? I’m going to with the latter. Gil needs back on the floor, where he is cash. Hitting game winners has brought out the zany man we all love and read dear to our hearts. The man needs the spotlight; he needs his voice heard.
Get well soon Gil, so you can be whole again.
P.S. I’m tired of you cutting up my fantasy team.
Comments (2)In Gilbert Arenas We Trust
This is a man that will tell it like it is, hold nothing back and be there to show you the way. Therefore, he would make a horrible President. From all the basketball geeks, get well Gil. You’re officially the new and improved Shaq.
Comments (7)LOLnbaz: Gazo And Friends
Exclusive! Agent Zero’s Latest Blog Entry
Posted by Gilbert Arenas on April 05 2007, 2 p.m. ET
Knee Deep
I tore the lateral meniscus in my left knee. Well, I didn’t. Gerald Wallace did. He’s funny like that.
The doctors say I need surgery. I told them to rub a little emu piss on it and I’d be good to go, but they weren’t hearing any of it. I told them if naturopathic medicine saved Andy Kaufman, it could save Agent Zero.
They say I’ll be out 2-3 months.
I should be back by brunch tomorrow.
I’ve started talking a little trash to my knee already.
I told ‘Doug’ — note: the entire left side of my body is male — that he should really try and learn from this experience. He needs to see this as an opportunity to get stronger, gain flexibility. Then I told him about adversity and overcoming it. Then I said something about climbing mountains. Tall ones, like they have in India.
Hey, are you getting all of this down?
Good.
Then ‘Doug’ and I shared a Coke.
Why I Was Late
As you know by now, I was late for yesterday’s shootaround. Why? Oh, boy…
While I was leaving my house yesterday afternoon, I fell into a large black hole that had opened up in my Romanesque interlocking brick walkway. It swallowed me whole.
As I fell, I raced passed millions of vibrant colors and tiny little triangles. I was trapped in a kaleidoscope. I felt light. I could hear the distant noise of children laughing and playing.
When I eventually landed, I was lying in the middle of a pure white room. There was a door at one end. I opened it, and walked in.
I found myself in the exact same white room; only there was Calvin Booth, but in an alien parasitic life form, rocking silently in the corner. I approached him, and we talked. He knew many things about complex spinal cord surgery.
Suddenly, C-Booth morphed into a small can of compressed gas. I tapped it, and it/he spoke to me.
“Gustav Holt.”
I blinked in surprise, and it/he disappeared.
I blinked again, and this time I awoke in my deep-freezer.
This might explain my injury.
Why I Was Late, Pt. 00
I ate too much fruit, and had the runs. My ass was on fire.
The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll
You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I really like Anastacia to take the title.
My Latest And Greatest Catch Phrase
I got a new saying: “I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
Every time I breathe, that’s what I say now.
I have no idea what it means, but I like it. When you’re in rehab you need mantras like this. Every time I lift a weight: “I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
Doesn’t that just sound cool? Very edgy, very po-mo.
“I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
It’s like, “I’m injured, and while the step to recovery may be long and tiring, I’ll just drink it like a diabetic drinks sugar water. Gulp it down. Let it heal.”
Agent Zero: The Blog File [NBA.com]
(Update: I’ve just learned that this is fake! Whoever sent this in is an evil, evil human being.)
Comments (20)Gilbert Arenas, Esquire
I’ve always been a pretty big Arenas fan — see: the Zero bar, Gilbert comics, the “interview” — but after reading this PRODIGIOUS Esquire profile … well, let’s just say I’m seriously considering buying his TH-reads. Here’s Gilbert’s worst quote from the article:
“On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald’s burgers. Wendy’s burgers. Burger King burgers. There’s this one place in Canada—I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there—best burger I’ve ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night.”
Yes. I said worst.
The Pathology of Gilbert Arenas [Esquire]
(Bonus: Because you should read as much as humanely possible on this: Wizznutzz, D.C. Sports Bog, The Mighty MJD, and now… FreeDarko)
(UPDATE: Via SLAM!: Gilbert eats hotdog sandwiches!)
Comments (6)Arenas Gets His SLAM Cover
Lang, in today’s Links, drops the website exclusive sneak-peek of SLAM #102’s new covers. (Yeah, check the plural kids.)
One cover stars “Point God” Chris Paul — cough, bor-ing!, cough — while the other, obviously pictured here, stars The Black President Not Named David Palmer himself, Gilbert Arenas.
Now I’ll confess, I haven’t bought an actual SLAM magazine since … oh, shit, I don’t know, since Scottie Pippen maybe? … but with that said, I can definitely see myself swinging by the ol’ convenience store to grab this gem. I’m especially fond of Gilbert’s Cryin Tiger-like tat.
(Side note: Does anyone know where I can still score one of those mint green Cryin Tiger tee’s? From what I can tell, the company is either dead or is now focusing their attention towards exotic plants. ‘Holla if you know anything.)
Anyway, good job SLAM team. Great call, excellent execution…
SLAM 102: Covers Revealed [The Links]
(Update: Word on the street is that the Arenas issue is already sold out. Yeah, apparently some guy named “Unsilent Majority” just bought every single damn copy…)
Comments (4)Arenas’ Awesomeness Level Dips
This probably comes as no surprise — not to me at least — but Gilbert Arenas says that mysterious “groin injury” that caused him to be left off Team USA’s final World Championship roster was nothing more than an excuse for him to save face — an “ego injury” if you will. From the mouth of Agent Zero/David Palmer himself:
“I felt like I was the 16th man on a 15-man roster,” Arenas said. “You are there to support your team and support your country and be happy to play but you know, I did everything they wanted me to do; but if I did everything they wanted me to do, why am I on the bubble of getting cut? I sacrificed. You’ve got LeBron being LeBron. You’ve got Carmelo being Carmelo. You’ve got D-Wade being D-Wade. Why can’t I be me? Why do I have to transform? I did that and now you are going to cut me?”
“The disappointing part was talking to Colangelo and he said, ‘I heard you want to go home,’ ” Arenas said. “I told him that I was hurt but I didn’t know how serious it was and that I didn’t want to hold up a spot for somebody else. He told me, ‘I’ve been talking to the coaches and you’re on the bubble anyway, so you can go if you want.’ I was like, all right.”
Oh Gilbert, Gilbert, Gilbert … *shaking head* … save the piss-ass, sorry excuses for when you miss the 2-7 split, would you? Yeah, as much as I love Gilbert — and my God, I wasted a whole night drawing a damn comic strip of him once — these comments come off as a little to, “boo-hoo-hoo, why don’t they love me; why don’t they understand me?”-ish too me.
I’d say more on the matter, but The Mighty MJD already snuck into my head and stole all my thoughts. So go read his post, and just add some spelling mistakes if you want the full Skeets experience.
Arenas Says He Got A Foul Call [Washington Post]
Gilbert Arenas Is A Bit Perturbed [The Mighty MJD]
NBA Prep Work: Wizards
As part of The Basketball Jones extensive ‘06-07 season preview, I was awarded the honor of going one-on-one with a representative from all 30 NBA teams.
Today I got the chance to sit down and talk with Washington Wizards semi-God Gilbert Arenas. Our conversation follows:
ONE-ON-ONE WITH … GILBERT ARENAS
J.E. Skeets: Gilbert, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and talk today.
Gilbert Arenas: Not a problem. Thanks for having me.
Skeets: As initiation on my high school volleyball team, I was once summoned to the back of the bus by seniors who then emptied a whole tub of Deep Cold down my pants. With that said, how is your groin feelin’?
Arenas: Um, pretty good I guess.
Skeets: No burning sensations? Everything seems to be in working order?
Arenas: Yeah, I just strained it. I should be good to go by November.
Skeets: Good, good. Oh, hey, quickly — same bus ride, yeah. One of the other rookies got called back, was forced to strip naked, and then was duct-taped to the ceiling!
Arenas: We did the exact same thing to Michael Ruffin once.
Skeets: I could see that.
Arenas: Yeah, it was tough. Ruffin’s a biter.
Skeets: Jeesh, scary stuff. OK, moving on. A lot of people are sayin’ that this Wizards team could very well go 82-0 this year. Fair call, or just wishful thinking?
Arenas: 82-0? Who said that?
Skeets: A LOT of people.
Arenas: Really?
Skeets: Oh yes, many, MANY people.
Arenas: Well, I don’t know about going undefeated…
Skeets: What’s this? Do my ears thou deceive me? Has thy Great Gilby’s once pillar foundation of confidence doth crumbled on thy ragged rocks of redemption?
Arenas: What? That doesn’t make any sense.
Skeets: HUZZAH!
Arenas: OK, I’ve completely lost you.
Skeets: Oh sorry, I was just down at this Medieval Faire thing over the weekend–
Arenas: Oh, the one down by Bandshell Park? I wanted to swing by that. Any good?
Skeets: Oh God yeah, fantastic. Great eats, good prices. The weather was absolutely beautiful too…
Arenas: Nice, nice…
Skeets: Next question. What’s something that no one knows about Gilbert Arenas?
Arenas: I once farted in a CD jewel case.
Skeets: And who’s was it?
Arenas: I think it was Brendan Haywood’s Lateralis by Tool.
Skeets: Fascinating! OK, now tell us something that everyone knows about Gilbert Arenas!
Arenas: I play basketball.
Skeets: Hmm, yeah … that one sort of sounded a lot cooler on paper. Sorry.
Arenas: Don’t worry about it.
Skeets: OK, you’ve lost your legs in a bad accident and you can’t play basketball anymore. What does Gilbert Arenas do for the rest of his life?
Arenas: Do I have a voice?
Skeets: Um, of course.
Arenas: Okay, um…
Skeets: Wait, no. No voice. You have no voice and no legs.
Arenas: How did I lose my voice?
Skeets: Same accident.
Arenas: What? How? That seems pretty odd.
Skeets: How? Think about it. You lost your legs and you like, see that you lost your legs, right? So now your all shocked and shit so you’re all like, “Nooooooooo!!!!”. But like really, really loud. Yeah, you yell so loud, and you’re like, so upset that you just lost your legs — your favorite legs — that you basically just scream and scream and scream until your voice goes. Forever.
Arenas: Do I have arms?
Skeets: Yes.
Arenas: And eyes?
Skeets: Yes.
Arenas: Then … web sudoku.
Skeets: You are an incredible human. Gilbert, I want to thank you for sitting down and talking with me today. Best of luck this upcoming season.
Arenas: No problem. Thanks.
Oh, Would You?
Gilbert Arenas — aka Agent Zero, aka The Black President, aka Walter Ray Gilliams Jr. — is serious about playing for the U.S. national team. Yeah, like, really, really, REALLY serious:
“I’ve been working out on the international 3 — it’s like a free throw now,” Arenas said Tuesday at an open workout before leaving for next week’s training camp. “I’m accustomed to that line, and I know it’s hard for NBA players to shoot from that line. We don’t practice it. It’s either shoot an NBA 3 or drive into the lane, it seems like there is no in-between, so I’ve been working on it and I’ve forgotten about the NBA line.”
–snip–
“He [coach Krzyzewski] said he likes my speed and that I can shoot,” Arenas said. “He wants to see me play defense — to get out there and pick them up full court — and I am willing to do anything to make this team.
Oh, really now Gilbert? Anything? I doubt it. I mean…
– Would you take a bullet for Awvee Storey?
– Would you eye-fuck a large Ukrainian?
– Would you kill Sarah Connor?
– Would you slow dance with Deron Williams to ‘Unchained Melody’?
– Would you throw away $200 and expose your nipples?
– Would you ask Raef LaFrentz for his autograph?
Oh, you would? All of that? Well shit … never mind then.
Arenas ‘willing to do anything’ to make U.S. team [ESPN]
Comments (3)Gilbert Comics!
I totally forgot how awesome pencil crayons were. Click here to see the Pavel Podkolzine-like version. And oh, Mr. Adams, please don’t sue me. Thanks.
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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