30 Teams / 30 Hours: Have It Your Way

You know, one can never have too many NBA season previews. (That’s a lie.) Which is why we present a new series to add to the list: The Basketball Jones’ 30 Teams in 30 Hours NBA Season Preview. Yup. It is what it is.

8:00a / Atlanta Hawks: Three things you should never look into: 1) Mike Bibby’s soul, 2) a Tupperware container that’s been sitting in your fridge for more than two months, and 3) The Hawks 7-1 exhibition record. Speedy Claxton should be forced to change his first name. The Armadillo Cowboy (Joe Johnson), Salim, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith and ROY Horford = Favorite. Lineup. Ever. The Hawks alternative mascot, SkyHawk (right), looks like a Burger King viral marketing campaign gone wrong. You have no idea how badly I wanted to place this team higher than the Heat. I’m a pussy.

Skeets says: 4th in the Southeast
Tas says: 5th in the Southeast

(Don’t forget to check out Monday’s NBA season predictions podcast.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 8:00 am on 10.30.2007 — Tags: '07/08 Season Preview, Hawks

‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks

Like my NFL-humping KSK brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. First up, alphabetically of course, the Atlanta Hawks. CAW!

Three Facts About The Atlanta Hawks:

1. All-Star guard Joe Johnson’s official nickname is the Armadillo Cowboy. It is loosely based on a Spike Jonze documentary about two suburban teenagers who wear tight jeans and ride water drums in the forest.

2. Sweaty Georgian center Zaza Pachulia suffers from a chronic case of ‘bacne’ — photo evidence coming soon! — because he always sleeps with his backpack on. The Hawks plan to handout free benzoyl peroxide cream to first 10,000 fans every Sunday home game.

3. In June of this year, the Hawks unveiled new uniforms, colors and logos to the unsuspecting public. Deciding to drop the classic yellow for a slick red-white-navy blue color scheme, the new Hawks logo looks like what’d you get if the Arizona Cardinals and Charlotte Bobcats fucked each other.

Projected ‘07 Record: 35-47, 4th in Southeast

Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Hawks Mount HDTV Scoreboard To Shelden Williams‘ Forehead

Obligatory Hawks YouTube Video: Harry Rides A Mini-Motorcycle

One-On-One With … Tyronn Lue!

As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. For the Hawks, it’s toddler-like point guard Tyronn Lue.

J.E. Skeets: OK, let’s get right into it: What’s it like to be the youngest player in the NBA?
Tyronn Lue: I’m not.

Skeets: What? I thought you were thirteen.
Lue: No. I’m thirty.

Skeets: Really? Cuz I heard Coach Woodson breast-feeds you on long road trips.
Lue: I’m thirty.

Skeets: Wow. Well you look good for your age, man.
Lue: Thank you.

Skeets: You moisturize?
Lue: Sharps Barber & Shop daily prep lotion.

Skeets: Ah, nice.
Lue: I like to think so.

Skeets: Tyronn, who’s your favorite Josh in the world? Smith, Childress or Hartnett?
Lue: I like J-Smooth and Childress equally; they’re both good kids. I’ve never heard of that last guy.

Skeets: Josh Harnett. He was that douche in Pearl Harbor.
Lue: Oh, right.

Skeets: Have you ever had dinner with Salim Stoudemire?
Lue: Yes.

Skeets: Did he pass you the dinner rolls when you asked?
Lue: I think so.

Skeets: Mm, I doubt that. Hey, Tyronn, why do you braid your hair?
Lue: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just something I do. Always have.

Skeets: Do you braid – *whistles, points* – down there?
Lue: No comment.

Skeets: Hey, how demoralizing was it that time you were traded for Jon Barry?
Lue: Jon was an excellent NBA role player.

Skeets: But what a fuck-up on the mic, eh?
Lue: I’ve never seen him on air.

Skeets: Oh, right, you just watch Bob the Builder all day.
Lue: Sorry?

Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?

Skeets: Tyronn, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you this afternoon.
Lue: Yup.

Skeets: I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.
Lue: Um, OK.

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By J.E. Skeets at 4:26 pm on 07.19.2007 — Tags: Tyronn Lue, '07/08 Season Preview, Chats, Hawks

B-Mascot Battle: Thunder vs. Harry

This is Thunder of the Golden State Warriors battling Harry of the Atlanta Hawks at this year’s NBA Jam Session in Las Vegas. Why this took nearly two months to be posted for the world to see is beyond me. This shit is mint.

I’m no breakdancin’ expert, but I think I’m going to give the win to Harry. I mean, Thunder killed it with the knee spins and all, but come on; his costume is the much more manageable one of the two. Harry, on the other hand? Nothing but pure, crazy charisma. (Think he was drunk?) The ‘loser’ sign he throws up at the :55 second mark is just so badass. Ride or die, Harry. Ride. Or. Die.

Thunder vs. Harry [YouTube]
NBA Mascots Are Thugs [The Basketball Jones]
Random YouTube Finding Of The Week [Deadspin]

(Two legged applejacks to Shoals at FreeDarko for the heads up.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 11:17 pm on 04.04.2007 — Tags: Video, Hawks, Mascots, Warriors

Cognomina! Joe Johnson Needs One …

On Sunday’s ‘cast we asked you to help give Joe Johnson a proper nickname. (Look, ‘JJ’ is too Full House-y and ‘Cool’ just doesn’t cut it, okay?)

Here are a few of the suggestions that trickled in:

Not bad, not bad… but I still think we can do better. Hell, shouldn’t Shoals and the FD Slovenians have a million of these ready to go?

Anyway, to help get you in the mood, I lit some candles, started a bath, and slipped into some free word association bubbles. Here are a few suggestions of my own. Peruse:

OK, that’s all I got. (Sorry, my skin wrinkles quickly.) Anything we like? Any other suggestions? Let’s hear ‘em … I want to get this wrapped up by the All-Star game, people.

(Update: Last night I re-watched Spike Jonze’s short doc Amarillo By Morning. I’m now 100% positive we should call Joe, ‘The Amarillo Cowboy’.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 1:38 pm on 11.15.2006 — Tags: Joe Johnson, Hawks

Live-Blogging Three Games … Sort Of

8:02pm: OK, the boys are here. Here we go. Again, I have no idea how this is actually going to work. The Hawks-Cavs game is currently being recorded, the Sonics-Heat is on the tube — in HD, yes! — and the Rockets-Griz starts… um… now I think? Shit. Oh, Kidney with a put-back — Sonics 11, Heat 11. BASKETBALL!

8:05pm: No Tracy, you’re a fool!

8:09pm: Watching games with fantasy die-hards is hilarious. It’s been 10-minutes and I’ve already heard, “No, no, shoot that,” “Alright, an assist for Ridnour,” “Yes, I need that three.”

8:12pm: End of the 1st Q.: Seattle 21, Miami 11. I’m real excited about live-blogging this game.

8:14pm: And we’re over to the start of the Rockets-Griz game. What!? Not in HD? What is this bush-league, amateur-hour bull-shit?

8:15pm: That was a lot of dashes. Back to the Sonics-Heat…

8:20pm: My D-Wade boner has faded over the last couple of months, but there’s two things I still love about his game: the deep kiss off the glass, and the way he can split two defenders.

8:23pm: I thought they were getting rid of that dead-ball rule at the end of the shot clock? Am I wrong? Why did I think this? KD? Evil KD?

8:25pm: Nice pass into Fortson. Two… and the foul. Timeout. Sonics 30, Heat 21.

8:27pm: Mike Miller looks like a girl I dated in the early 90’s. Rockets 17, Griz 8. Timeout. Pass me a cheetoh.

8:32pm: Grish: “Has Mutombo scored in the last few years?”

8:35pm: Back to the HD Sonics-Heat. Man, I love these stats at the bottom of the screen: Wade has scored double-digit points 78 of the last 79 games.”

8:37pm: Kidney with 2. The Heat have scored 8 straight … and Antoine with a put-back. Wow. Heat only down 2.

8:40pm: Looks like Yao thinks the Rockets are going to make the playoffs… he’s already growing the neck beard!

8:42pm: Damnit! We just saw the score for the Hawks-Cavs. Over we go… WHOA! What is wrong with the lighting in the Q? It’s so bright. Cavs 61, Hawks 59.

8:44pm: Text: “It’s an emotional game — Big Z” … Image: Big Z, completely zoned-out on the bench. Hahaha … Yeah, real emotional, Z…

8:46pm: FYI: Sonics up 6 at the half. Double FYI: Britney Spears broke up with K-Fed today.

8:49pm: Wisdom LeBron takes the charge. So wise…

8:52pm: And we’re back to the FedEx Forum. Oh, 27-21 Griz, 6-mins left in the 2nd. LIGHTS OUT! … Rudy with a jumper … Battier answers with a three; the crowd golf claps. That is polite.

8:57pm: Have the Griz played a Gay-Warrick-Swift line-up yet? I want to see that.

8:59pm: Biz LeBron with a beautiful pass to Marshall under the rim. Cavs up a couple.

9:02pm: LBJ iso on the left … blows by JJ baseline … scoops it up and in left-handed … Kid LeBron says, “Ooooooooooooo…”

9:07pm: Fact: Udonis Haslem was fat in college.

9:09pm: Alonzo just blocked an alley-oop. You think he blocs every shot his kids take on those little Fisher-Price nets? I do.

9:16pm: This is why I watch the game: 10,000 career points for Donyell. History, people. History.

9:17pm: JeffPotts, wins … CHUBBY HASLEM.

9:22pm: OK, back to the closest game: Cavs 84, Hawks 80. Under three to go…

9:25pm: LeBron chop-blocks Josh Smith, but no foul is called. Timeout Hawks. … Only 2 on the shot-clock … JJ WITH A MONSTER 3! Tie-game.

9:28pm: Hughes completely WASTES a possession … Gooden has to force a 3 … no good … Lue creates on the other end … Hawks score … LBJ comes back and settles for a deep 3 … miss … Lue fouled … misses the first … misses the second. OH MY GOD! GO TO BED, TYRONN! Timeout Cavs.

9:30pm: Simple, simple play drawn up by Coach Brown. LBJ dribbles to the top of the court … swings it to Hughes on the right … he rattles home a 3. Cavs up 1. 35 secs left.

9:32pm: Solid perimeter D by the Cavs … the JJ/Zaza pick-and-roll isn’t there … ball’s swung around … J-Smooth has to force a jumper … miss.

9:34pm: Gooden hits both free-throws … 14 secs left for the Hawks … they need a three; where is Salim? … Tyronn has a Coke and takes in for an easy 2. Hawks down 1. 6 secs left. Timeout. Let’s talk about it.

9:37pm: LBJ fouled. At the line … he hits the first … misses the 2nd! … Hawks bring it up … Tyronn into the paint-by-numbers … TEARDROP! Tyronn ties ‘er up. OVERTIME, BABY!

9:42pm: Who are you Tyronn Lue? And why are you missing an “e” on the end of your name? Hawks up 3 … 3 1/2 left.

9:46pm: Joe Johnson gets 3 the hard way. (I heard that on TV once.) Hawks up 6. CAW-CAW!

9:47pm: Joe hits another 3! He’s gotta a li’l Melo-clutch in him, eh?

9:49pm: Quick look at the other games: Seattle 81, Miami 79 (5-minutes to go) … Rockets 64, Griz 60 (start of the 4th)

9:54pm: OK, we’re going to stick a fork in a McCain’s deep-and-delicious cake and then the Hawks-Cavs game. It’s over. Hawks win. JJ and Tyronn … well played, men man and boy.

9:57pm: Wade nails a 3. (His third of the game.) We’ve got ourselves another game here, folks … Sonics up 3, about 2 1/2 left.

10:00pm: What’s with all the superstars choking at the line tonight? First LeBron, then Wade, now Ray-Ray misses one. Seattle up 3 with only a minute left. Miami ball.

10:01pm: Ken, on the superstars missing free-throws: “It’s a role player’s game.” Hahahahaha…

10:02pm: Wade is fouled. (Surprise, surprise.) He hits both at the line.

10:05pm: Ray takes it to the net … draws the foul … hits the first … and misses the second … Wade brings it up, down 2 … pulls up for the jumper, but passes to Posey who knocks down the 3 … Timeout … Miami up 1. 19 secs. left.

10:06pm: Quick Rockets-Griz look-in: Dahtnay Jones — is that the right spelling? — with a monster dunk in some traffic. Nice timing with the remote there.

10:09pm: Damien Wilkins falls in the corner … jump-ball … and oh Lord, they foul Wade who tries to tip the ball down court … Wade hits both. Heat up 3 … no timeouts for Seattle … Watson pushes it up … Damien gets a wide-open look at the 3 … MISSES! Gerald would of hit that!

10:11pm: And Dominique would have dunked it … from behind the 3-pt line.

10:12pm: I hope Damien’s not invited to this year’s Wilkin thanksgiving dinner.

10:14pm: Is anyone still here? KD? Jeff? Mutoni? Nora’s dad?

10:15pm: Ken: “What’s your favorite player/luncheon meat combo?” Yup, we’ve reached that point…

10:17pm: Grish: “I’ll take a Garbajosa with cheddar”. Amazing…

10:19pm: Well, well, well… what happened here? Rockets up six, 50 secs. left. Cardinal misses a three, Chucky misses a three, Michael Dickerson misses a three…

10:20pm: …you’re still paying attention, yes?

10:22pm: Oh, Nora sees your “Darvin Ham on rye”, Jeff. And she raises you with a “Calderon Calzone”. I have no idea why this is so much fun…

10:24pm: And it’s over: Houston 86, Memphis 80. (No, they didn’t stop playing after 3 quarters.)

10:32pm: Well, I guess that’s it. Thanks for reading along, thanks for the comments, and goodni– NO! LAKERS … T-WOLVES … GAME 4 … NEXT!

10:38pm: I’m kidding, I’m kidding… thanks a lot, guys. That was a lot of fun. See you — and by see you, I mean you’ll hear me — early tomorrow morning. Don’t forget to get your questions in. I’m out.

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By J.E. Skeets at 8:04 pm on 11.07.2006 — Tags: Hawks, Live-Blog, Heat, Rockets, Sonics, Cavaliers, Grizzlies

Quickies: Does He Still Have The ‘Fro?

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By J.E. Skeets at 9:07 am on 10.20.2006 — Tags: Josh Childress, Hawks, Quickies

The Video That Keeps On Giving

Yesterday SLAM!’s treasure hunter Lang e-mailed Celtics coach Doc Rivers about his brilliant performance in The Greatest Internet Video Of All-Time. Today, Coach “Stevie Ray” Rivers responds:

FROM: Doc Rivers
SUBJECT: Forever Uncool

Just when I had my kids convinced that their Dad was cool, they discover that video. They loved it. They’re showing all their friends. They have also informed me not to bring up the words hip or cool ever again.
– Doc

Can I say it? I LOVE THE INTERNET!

Doc Rivers Responds [The Links]
The Greatest Internet Video Of All-Time [The Links]
Wanted: Atlanta’s Air Force Video [The Basketball Jones]

(Update: I just received a fantastic e-mail from ClipperBlog.com guru Kevin Arnovitz. Now, I didn’t ask for his permission per se, but I don’t care, I’ve got to post this beauty:

Skeets: I grew up a Hawks season ticket holder at the Omni. Aisle 116, about 15 rows up. AAF was my formative basketball experience; Tree Rollins and Kevin Willis my basketball Yetis.

I had the “Atlanta’s Air Force” 45, which I bought at the old Turtle’s Records & Tapes on Roswell Road. It would air mercilessly on Channel 46 during the big playoff drive of 1985-1986 and 1986-1987. It became the lead-in music for John Sterling on WSB-Radio (”Welcome South, Brother”), then the voice of the Atlanta Hawks (and an admirable homer; i.e., “Parish in the lane. He walks, walks again, then lays it up and in.”)

So, yeah, before there was Lil John & the East Side Boyz and Bone Crusher, there was Tom Gross & the Varsity, who played a number of Bar Mitzvahs in the Atlanta area, though he wasn’t so formidable as the “Black Rabbi” — a breakdancing coach and longtime Atlanta fixture on the Bar Mitzvah “kids party” circuit, whose clientele included children of Atlanta’s Jewish upper crust.

Wow. You send in an e-mail containing the words “Kevin Willis”, “Yeti”, and “The Black Rabbi”, and well… it’s going to be posted on here ASAP. Thanks for the laugh, Kevin.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 12:32 pm on 09.21.2006 — Tags: Coaches, Hawks, Celtics, Media

Found! Atlanta’s Air Force Video

Try to take it all in, friends … “Nothing Can Stop Us”.

The Greatest Internet Video Of All-Time [The Links]
Wanted: Atlanta’s Air Force Video [The Basketball Jones]

(I’m crying tears of joy right now. Thank you, Lang. And SLAM! commenter “Ananth Pandian” is right:

“now all we need is to find a box of those tshirts those guys were wearing…cause i want one of those shirts. atlanta air force t shirts….”

Wow, somebody make this happen!)

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By J.E. Skeets at 1:43 pm on 09.20.2006 — Tags: Dominique Wilkins, Hawks, Media

Wanted: Atlanta’s Air Force Video

Last night, between catching up on Lost Season 2 episodes, I stumbled upon a NBA special featuring highlights and interviews of the three latest Hall of Fame inductees: Charles Barkley, Joe Dumars, and Dominique Wilkins.

During ‘Nique’s awesome highlight reel, they showed a quick clip from a music video the ‘86-87 Atlanta Hawks team made called, Atlanta’s Air Force. Like all professional sport teams’ music videos (see: Bears, Chicago and Flames, Calgary) it looked absolutely brilliant!

So like any good NBA blogger would, I immediately got my ass to YouTube and typed in “Atlanta’s Air Force”. Nothing. What? Travesty! So I decided to do some more research — um, type it into Google. Here’s what I found:

And that’s it. I couldn’t find the actual music video anywhere. (Single tear.)

So, this is where I turn to you, loyal TBJ reader. If anyone has this music video or knows where one can find it, please, let me know. Hell, I’ll even award a little prize or a free TBJ post to the first person who can help us get the entire “Atlanta’s Air Force” music video up on the Internet, where it so rightfully belongs.

Here are some pics I snapped off the TV for inspiration:

Good luck brethren … and be safe.

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By J.E. Skeets at 12:54 pm on 09.09.2006 — Tags: Dominique Wilkins, Hawks, Media, Superstars

Al Harrington, Al Harrington. Al Harrington? Al Harrington.

I’ve got to agree with The Mighty MJD; all this “where’s Al Harrington going to sign?” talk has got to end. Now. Seriously, just look at all the Al Harrington headlines from the past few weeks or so. He’s everywhere!

Golden State Revs Up Al Harrington Hunt
– San Francisco Chronicle

Breaking News: Al Harrington To Indiana?
– SLAMonline

Al Harrington Returning To The Pacers … Probably
– Hoopsvibe

Wolves Re-Enter The Al Harrington Chase?
– RealGM

Al Harrington: Still Likely Headed Back To Indiana
– Rotowire

Al Harrington Orders Nationwide Art Invetory
– Voice of America

Al Harrington: Still Likely Breathing
– Ascent Magazine

Al Harrington’s Cowboy Frank Butler Wows Crowd In ‘Annie Get Your Gun’
– Ultimate Pros

US Pushes Air Security To Al Harrington Level For First Time
– CNET News.com

Observer: “Al Harrington Puts Family Ahead Of Breakfast”
– Headline News

Raptors, Bucks, Bobcats, Blazers, Lakers, Kings, Magic, Celtics, Nets, Heat, Grizzlies, And The Seattle Storm Of The WNBA Interested In Al Harrington
– The Sports Review

Step Into My Boudoir, Al Harrington
– Isaiah Thomas’ Blog

Al Harrington Is Becoming The Barbaro Of The NBA
[The Mighty MJD]

(UPDATE: Al Harrington.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 3:53 pm on 08.10.2006 — Tags: Pacers, Al Harrington, Trades, Free Agency, Hawks

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