Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down. But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you just suck ass. Thus, by process of elimination, the middle of the rankings is the ideal place to be.
Every Tuesday This Thursday, the AZ Rankings lists the four two most ho-hum teams in the league. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly. (And because I’m stupid busy at work…)
Last week it was NOOCH, Washington, Indiana, and Philly. This week…
15. Indiana Pacers: Ah, the grizzled vets of this pointlessness. For the third week in a row the Indiana Pacers make an appearance on the AZ Rankings. I told you they’d always be here. I do love the fact that they’re exactly .500 though; perfectly on “pace” for another 41-41 season of average-ness. (See what I did there?)
16. Washington Wizards: So yin-and-yang it’s scary: Damn near unstoppable at home; winless on the road. Perfect when Agent Zero drops 40+; ass-cakes when he struggles. Their #1 fan can drop $70 on a sick, customized hoodie; can’t afford a digital camera. Sigh.
Comments (1)Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down. But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you just suck ass. Thus, by process of elimination, the middle of the rankings is the ideal place to be.
Every Tuesday, the AZ Rankings lists the four most ho-hum teams in the league. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly.
Last week it was Indy, Minny, Golden State-y, and Milwaukee. This week…
14. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets: I tried watching the Hornets play last Sunday with my dangerously hung-over friend, Ken. Ugh. The Bee’s had like, 12 turnovers in the first 9 minutes. Didn’t take long to realize watching Ken try to keep down Cheetohs, Fuzzy Peaches, and Ginger Ale was much more entertaining. (Note: Tyson Chandler’s mo-hawk is even ordinary!)
15. Washington Wizards: I feel a l’il dirty about placing my third fourth favorite team in this spot — easy, UM — but well… they deserve it. They’re playing like a bunch of rusty seesaws down by Marsh Pond. (No, not because they’re playing up-and-down, but because they smell like bird shit and kiddie pee.) Stop floundering, stop stepping backwards, and stop wasting AGENT ZERO!
16. Indiana Pacers: Uh-oh. I’ve already run out of ways to describe the Pacers’ mediocrity, even though I know they’ll be on this list every single week. Um… um… JO’s forehead looks smaller since he shaved the rows, no?
17. Philadelphia 76ers: Two things: 1) I’m sticking with my “Sixers will suck / Iverson will be traded” prediction. Yeah, don’t be fooled by the 3-3 record; this team sucks and they’ll be huffing paint in the basement with the Knicks soon enough. 2) When it’s all said and done, I think this kid’s cackle (at the :18 mark) might best sum up this Sixers season.
Comments (1)Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down (see: Utah). But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you really just suck ass (see: New York). Thus, by scientific process of elimination, the middle of the pack is the ideal place to be.
Starting today — and following every Tuesday from here on out — I’ll pick and rank the NBA’s four most-average teams. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly.
14. Indiana Pacers: Along with stripper guacamole cooch, this team reeks of mediocrity. Their contributing point guard Darrell, is like, 76-years-old, and their All-Star forward Jermaine, may well be the most average “superstar” of our time. With that said, Rick Carlisle could coach a team of mannequins into the playoffs, so this team will definitely strive for five… hundred.
15. Minnesota Timberwolves: Back in university I hosted my own “comedy” radio show called J.E. Skeets & Co. (True story.) I’d play music; talk about current events; and occasionally, come up with skits and/or segments. One such segment was called “Find Me A Mid-Game James”. The premise was simple. I knew a big guy named James (a Big-Game James, if you will), and I knew a little guy named James (a Small-Game James), but I didn’t know a medium-built James (um, yes, a Mid-Game James.) So… I’d get out a phonebook and call people, on air, to see if they knew a Mid-Game James. That was it. It was oddly compelling radio. Anyway, my point is, I consider this year’s T-Wolves my sort of Mid-Game James. Figure it out.
16. Golden State Warriors: This is an odd spot for the annual basement-dwelling Warriors. Every pre-season — dating back to like, 1994 — the Blue-Men are the trendy pick to make the playoffs, but of course, every year, they disappoint and finish deep in the lottery. (Where they draft studs like Todd Fuller!) But this year… this year is different. I can feel it. Now look, I’m not saying they’ll finally make the playoffs or anything, but I think they’ll be close.
17. Milwaukee Bucks: Every time someone talks Bucks’ basketball all I hear in my head is that Peanuts teacher’s trumpet-voice. You know, “Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Redd. Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Charlie V. Mwa-mwa, Bogut, mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Aussie.” Are they average? Yes, ma’am.
(Note: Why the AZ Rankings? Commenter “stopmikelupica” explains:
“We used to have our own word for mediocre — AZ. As in the rapper AZ, from the ‘Bridge (part of The Firm, with Foxy, Nas and Cormega). To us he was the definition of .500. He had talent, but not skills. All you could ever say about AZ was “he’s alright… yep, he’s alright…”. No one could ever muster an adjective other than “alright” when describing him.”
Yup. Works for me…)
Comments (7)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
Podcast
Latest Episodes
- Ep. 329: Finals, Game 6 – Wednesday, June 18th
- Ep. 328: Finals, Game 5 – Monday, June 16th
- Ep. 327: Finals, Game 4 – Friday, June 13th
- Ep. 326: Finals, Game 3 – Wednesday, June 11th
- Ep. 325: Finals, Game 2 – Monday, June 9th