Drinking Craig Sager
From TBJ listener, Nick:
Just got my shirt the other day, and it’s sweet. So as promised, here’s how to turn a Jäger-Bomb into a Sager-Bomb. Just add a bit of Pucker to the Red Bull to make it more ostentatious and fruity (like Sager’s wardrobe). I find that one of those small airline bottles is just the right amount. I recommend the red and blue varieties of Pucker for a great color when mixed with Red Bull. Some work better than others, but under no circumstances should you use the green (apple) Pucker. It looks really gross. The blue actually mixes to a very pleasant green color.
Cheers,
Nick
Comments (2)The NBA Has Personality
The European Championships have just concluded. Yes, there was a basketball tournament going on involving good NBA players and A+ quality basketball that many people didn’t even know was going on. Watching and reading about this tournament made me really appreciate the passion of both the fans and players in comparison to NBA life. But what the National Basketball Association lacks in spirit, it sure as hell makes up for in character.
I mean, everywhere you look, there’s an NBA player who stands out in the crowd. Chris Andersen may be making a comeback; the Birdman has got some serious ZEST! Zest… droopy stoner eyes… whatever you wanna call it. Of course, you’ve got Gilbert’s hibachis, shark jokes and candid stories. Ben Wallace rocks the league’s #1 ‘fro and is hard as stones (see Ron Artest’s chest in ‘04). Say what you want about Artest, but you know he’s a blast to follow (from a distance).
The Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, The Man of Steel; no one touches this man. 5 feet, 9 inches of mouth: Nate Robinson. Dikembe Mutombo’s finger, Sam Cassell’s cranium, Ricky Davis’s brain, Dirk Nowitzki’s tongue and Joakim Noah’s dance moves. Watching Stephon Marbury always makes you feel better about yourself. Don’t forget Darko (we could use a clone of the English variety). Mike James! Allen Iverson! Ronny Turiaf! Damon Jones! (I take that last exclamation point back).
The NBA has the fewest amount of players of the 4 major sports in North America, but it has the most flair. No contest. Even a pine buster like Chris Andersen makes a fan take notice. Hardcore intensity? Maybe not. Entertainment? You can bet your last Quincy Douby on it.
Comments (4)Breakin’ And Poppin’ With Carlton
You know, Troy Hudson really could’ve used this …
Breakin’ And Poppin’ [The YouTubes]
Troy Hudson Sucks … At Rap [SLAM Online]
And Then We’ll Race Around the World in 80 Days…
This morning, I woke up. Feeling brand new, I jumped up. Feeling my highs, and my lows — huh? — I decided to check my e-mail. This ‘lil guy was nestled in my inbox:
Professor Skeets, I noticed you lacked a Nets correspondence for your playoff series previews. I don’t know if you are planning on doing it again for the second round, but if you are I would like to volunteer either myself or the lovely Becky (a well-known Nets blogger). Or better yet, knowing how you like the wagering…
I would like to make the following bet with you: If the Nets win this series (beat the Raps) you have to put either SML or Becky on your interview; if the Raps pull it off (and they just might, given Kidd’s bad knees… he is the soul of the team), then, well… name your price. It doesn’t matter, anyway, because the Nets are winning…
What do you think, Professor?
-Stop Mike Lupica
What do I think? WHAT DO I THINK!? I think it’s a goddamn crying shame that scientists, innovators, have yet to create a magnetic soap holder that somehow levitates a bar of soap so that it’s not touching our tub or shower surfaces. I mean, we can spawn fucking sheeps and have scoreboards shoot crazy ass flames, but we can’t eradicate fucking soap scum? Why? Tell me why? Seriously.
Oh, I’m also thinking, “a hells yes,” SML. Why you’d actually WANT to come on the Jones podcast is beyond me, but well, shit, I do love me a good bet… you’re on. (And um, yeah, you too, “lovely Becky.”)
So here we go: if the Nets win, we have to have either you and/or Becky on the show. Deal. Not gonna happen, but deal. When the Raps win? Hmmm…
You and/or the “sexy Beckster” have to go back and transcribe every single introductory line we’ve ever verbally spewed on The Basketball Jones podcast. Yeah, all those stupid, pointless lyric and movie quotes I burp up five times a week. We want that shit cataloged, son! And in reverse chronological order! Uh!
So… what you say, SML/Becky? Virtual shake?
Comments (11)I’ve Got The Power
I was lucky enough to get 3rd row tickets to the Raps-Pacers game this past Sunday. My homey Mike Nomi gets freebies a lot so I got the invite. There’s no way I would pay for those ducats myself – they’re like 200 bucks a pop. Although the view is ridiculously good, I’m not a fan of getting nasty looks from the suits every time I scream “Jorge”! I’d rather sit up with the real fans in the nosebleeds. Who am I kidding? I wish I were sitting with the Armanis and Bosses.
What the seat did give me was a close up look at these guys’ tendencies and facial expressions. When Jorge Garbajosa was at the line I saw him mouthing something to himself. It must have been in Espanol no doubt, but Garbo got me thinking: What have other ballers said to themselves as they stepped to the stripe? Feel free to add to this list.
Doug Christie – I love you baby. You’re my everything. *Shoots 1st free throw* I love you baby. You’re my everything. Did I say it the 1st time? Oh man. She is gonna kill me. I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.
Shawn Kemp – This one’s for my baby mama, my other baby mama, my other baby mama … Wait, how many is that? 1,2, …
Ben Wallace – Mother fucker won’t let me wear my headband. *Tosses up a brick* How’s a man supposed to shoot 50% if he ain’t treated like one? *Tosses up brick #2*
Rasheed Wallace – I’m gonna be the first playa to get a ‘T’ at the free throw line.
A.C. Green – This will be the only hole I stick it. I promise.
Comments (25)Introducing The Amazing Penis Basketball Chair …
3pts. Basketball Chair [designboom]
Comments (15)Wanted: A Kelly Dwyer Blog
Look, Shanoff’s got a blog. (A mighty fine one I might add.) Why doesn’t SI.com’s NBA writer Kelly Dwyer? Seriously. Dwyer’s writing is so consistently funny, that he honestly hurts my Alonzo missing parts.
I mean, just look at some of these observations Dwyer had on last night’s games:
- I’m telling you, he’s good, he’s tall, he’s 20: Andris Biedrins can play. He averaged six points, nine boards and 2.4 blocks in the preseason, while playing just 22 minutes, and came through with six points and three blocks in 16 minutes on Wednesday night. And yes, that first line was a rip-off of a Kids in the Hall skit, which I sadly cannot find on YouTube. Maybe Mark Cuban was right. In the meantime, these are the Daves I know.
- Don’t know how I missed it until early last year, when Tom Ziller pointed it out to me: Sacto play-by-play guy (TV and radio’s Grant Napear) truly hates Kenny Thomas. Remember that one Colombo where Colombo actually lost his shit? Where he started going off on Leonard Nimoy, who was playing the bad guy, telling Spock how he KNEW he was the murderer, and how he was going to get him by hook or by crook? No? Well, Napear’s a lot like Colombo in this instance, if you could guess at it, after having, y’know, never seen this particular episode. And, I reckon, Thomas couldn’t be Spock. Not sure who Spock is. But Napear hates Kenny Thomas.
- Irishmen don’t tan. For further proof, look for me every July, or Pat Burke right now. I will not argybargy this.
- Lenny Wilkens is now doing color commentary for Seattle SuperSonics telecasts. While this may not excite you offhand, please note that this means Craig Ehlo is NOT doing color commentary for SuperSonics telecasts.
This is a man that should be blogging, folks.
And as if that wasn’t reason enough, Dwyer goes and sends me this cryptic message:
Carnac: Sam Mitchell, a wok, three puppies, a bottle of Dewar’s and Ace Frehley’s first solo album.
KD: I don’t understand …
Carnac: The best Halloween party this side of Bangkok!
Yeah… um… I have no idea either. But who fuckin’ cares? That’s mint.
*Slowly steps down off of Dwyer’s cock.*
OK, I’m done. But Dwyer should really start a blog. No?
Kelly Dwyer Archive [SI.com]
Look Who Has League Pass [True Hoop]
[Note: That guy in the photo is not Kelly Dwyer. With that said, I do imagine KD as a suit-and-no-shoes (or socks!) type of fella.]
[Update: Dwyer sends in this correction: “I actually never am without shoes. Creeps out the girlfriend. I’m always with a kitten, too. Like a pirate, with his bird, but with a kitten instead.”]
Comments (9)A Heroic Way To Hold Your Balls …
… Finally! (Seriously. What the eff took so long, eh?)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Atlas Statue Ball Holder:
A solid resin statue finished in gold or silver. In this timeless pose that symbolizes strength, the Atlas statue ball holder proudly holds up your collectible or autographed ball for a dramatic visual effect. Don’t let your valuable ball just roll around. Show it off with style! Unlike boring plexiglass cubes, the Atlas statue ball holder displays your ball in the open, so it invites you to pick up, handle, and admire your special ball every now and then. All while you contemplate your inner hero.
Ha! As I contemplate my inner hero? Um… no. Try, as I contemplate how many of these things Reggie Evans already bought:
“Um, yeah… this my Most Outstanding Player from the Big Ten tournament… and this right here is my gold medal from the FIBA Young Men tourney… and oh, hahaha… yeah, those are Chris Kaman’s testicles.”
And one other thing: They conveniently “forget” to tell you this, but you should never — under any circumstance whatsoever — use the Atlas Statue Ball Holder to hold your Big Balls and/or Heavy Balls. We clear?
Atlas Statue Ball Holder [JumpUSA.com]
Comments (1)Stay Regular
The ring ceremony in Miami was all well and good last night. I say show off that 10 K ring a typical “bride-to-be” would salivate over. Miami hasn’t seen much playoff success, and even though most of the supposed “best fans in the world” were gone by half time, they deserved a night of celebration (even if the championship banner didn’t hang perfectly straight). But let’s keep these things to a minimum.
I propose there should be no banner hanging, number retiring, award giving, or any other type of ceremony during the playoffs. Regular season? Team executives and marketing gurus, you do what you gotta do. Although, when my buddies reminded me that the only number the Heat have ever retired is Michael Jordan’s 23, I found it odd, yet refreshing. Either way, these ceremonies give the home team an unfair advantage and this shouldn’t happen when the games become real important.
How would you like if your squad was playing a pivotal playoff game in a team’s barn and they had to go through this hoopla. Let’s use the Cavaliers as an example. Your team is at ‘The Q’ in Cleveland and before the game David Stern presents LeBron James with the MVP trophy. There’s a video montage of the King’s season, some fireworks go off, yada, yada, yada. James takes the mic and addresses the fans. The crowd goes bonkers. The whole thing takes 10 minutes. The Cleveland faithful haven’t sat down and won’t take a seat until the end of the 1st quarter. They are jacked. There is no way they are going to let their team lose this game, and because of the NBA’s assist, they probably won’t.
Is this just another form of home court advantage? I say no. No other professional sports league in North America hands out their hardware in pre-game ceremonies. A player may be given his kudos before a game during the following regular season, but only in the NBA does it happen come playoff time. There is no reason to give it out then, and there is no reason any ceremony needs to take place during the post season.
Comments (1)My 10-Minute Halloween Costume…
I told you I’d rock it.
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Comments (8)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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