Shaquille O’Neal Ballin’ In Beijing
It’s tough to tell thanks to the Robitussin-less camera work, but I’ve got Shaq’s final stat line down at: zero points (on 0-2 shooting), two boards, one assist, one block, one steal and one blatant walk in just two minutes of heated three-on-three action. He doesn’t seem to be trying very hard, though, so I can only guess his mind is preoccupied with buying 24-inch dubs for Yao . . .
Shaq: I Will Give Yao Fancy New Wheels As Wedding Gift [China Daily]
Comments (13)Touching Chris Kaman: Game 5
I have no idea if anyone is interested in this crap — show of hands, people? — but here it is anyway: the latest and greatest Touching Chris Kaman rec league report.
TCK was super short-staffed last night with Tas busy working, Tony busy being “busy”, and Brody busy masturbating to Swank in his kitchen with a spatula and grease. (I’m a little mad at Brody. Can you tell?) Anyway, with three players out, it was left to Dub, Grish, Kieran and I to try and pull out our 4th W of the season.
Unfortunately, our opponent — I think they were called The Daddy Balls or something or other — had a full-blown roster, complete with two whole lines. Yeah, they had 8 guys; we had no subs. Needless to say, our lungs and chances of winning looked fucked.
We won by 5.
Yeah, I’m not sure how exactly, but we managed to run those lazy Balls right off the court. Crazy. We had no subs, but probably finished with at least twice as many fast break points as them. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like these guys sucked — in fact, they’re probably the 2nd best team we’ve faced. We just played our asses off and created a lot of turnovers in their half-set.
Kieran was easily our best player of the game; he scored at least half of our points. Like most teams in our division, they have no answer for him when he’s on.
Grish did a solid job of keeping their big man in check. (Although they should’ve fed the post A LOT more.) He cleaned the glass like he was obsessive compulsive, and he turned into Boris Diaw late in the 2nd half with some brilliant passes to the cutting man.
Dub played a classic Dub game. He hit the open jumper when it was there, shut down their best offensive player, and was right in the middle of an almost full-fledged brawl when he got tangled in the post with a chubby Asian guy. (Note: Dub is that type of baller who other teams freakin’ despise. He plays extremely smart and crazy, crazy hard. These type of guys always find a way to get under the other team’s skin. They’re horrifically irritating to play against. Of course, they’re the exact type of guys you want on your team so…)
As for me? Um… I played good, not great. I forgot my contacts at home so I had to go Helen Keller on their ass most of the night. My jumper felt flat — probably because my perception was screwed — so I tried to take it to the net a lot more then usual. I managed to channel a young Mark Jackson and dropped in some pretty sweet teardrops over their big men. No, I didn’t do the Jackson jiggle…
OK, that’s enough. Back to our regularly scheduled programming…
Um… wow, how about that Jared Jeffries news, eh?
Comments (8)Touching Chris Kaman: Game 4
Dave Grisham, TCK’S long, strong and half Greek inside presence updates what transpired on the basketball court… sort of.
Comments (4)Last night Touching Chris Kaman stepped on the floor for their fourth regular season game. Already 2-1, the Kaman boys knew staying above the .500 mark was crucial. Even more crucial because we had to play without our floor general (sunbathing Skeets), our Kaman look alike (Brody) and TBJ’s own Tas. The rest of the crew, Kieran, Tony, P-Dub, myself and new addition/secret weapon (I never play basketball) Jamie, were ready to go.
Unfortunately, our opponents were not, no shows, forfeiters, quitters, losers, scared, however you want to call it (I call it fear). The boys at Channel 4 News couldn’t make it, automatically boosting our record to 3-1. What would have been game 4 turned into a few games of bump, and some half court 3 on 3. Going into a bye next week (Canadian Thanksgiving), The Kaman boys will have their full arsenal rested and ready for game 5.
Quickies & TCK Update
- Washington’s Verizon Center now prohibits fans from bringing food into the arena. Peter John Ramos cries, “But what about my pastelillos?” [WashingtonPost.com]
- Willie Green makes “significant donation” to alma mater to renovate men’s locker room. The only thing I ever “donated” to my high school’s locker room was farts. [Philly.com]
- “CP3 is getting old.” Um… yeah… and I’m getting younger and more handsome. Regardless, Coach Byron Scott’s mission in training camp is to keep Paul’s minutes down. [NewsOK.com]
- “If Amare’s knee resembles the result of an 87-year-old who has lost his dentures, the Suns will muddle in the midsection of the Pacific.” Tom Ziller — of fame — previews the Pacific Division. [The Big Lead]
- Kobe’s Knee Knupdate: It’s getting better, but I think he said he’s going to play this season with his ears. That cocky, son-of-a-bitch… [ESPN]
- Here’s a nice, winter t-shirt line from the gents at Kindred Market. (Note: I have no idea what makes them “winter t-shirts”; I just made that up.) [via Dethroner]
- I think Weird Al’s spoof of Chamillionaire’s Ridin’ Dirty is the best one he’s ever done. [Break.com]
- TCK Update, Game 3: Our rec league team, Touching Chris Kaman absolutely crushed the opposition last night. 43-26, I think the final score was. Yeah, not much to write about really, but let’s just say we had a 3-on-1 fast break every second play. It was dirty. Current record: 2-1.
Touching Chris Kaman: Game 2
For Game 1 results and highlights click here.
I’m a little sore today — oh man, I’m getting old — so instead I’m passing off last night’s Game 2 recap to TCK’s pseudo-center Dub. So here you go, roughly 94% of this recap is his:
Comments (11)The team we played last night was a bunch of big guys and we got killed on the boards. Their guards were pretty weak though so Tony, Skeets and Kieran basically abused them all night. They mainly scored in the post or on second chance rebounds — more times than not from the weak side.
Late in the second half we were down by 3 or 4 but we started to go on a run. Kieran’s forehead was split open by an accidental elbow, but one of us clocked one of their guys as well. I think we all had at least one shot swatted away at some point in the game. We managed to tie it up and eventually got up by one.
On our last possession, maybe 25 seconds left, I drove to the hoop for what would have been a tough lay-up, but I spotted Skeets in the corner, who calmly knocked down the nail in the coffin. (Ed. Thank God it wasn’t a left-handed lay-up.) We win by 2.
Individually: Skeets and Tony were lights out and Kieran handed out some LBJ type of punishment to his man on the inside. (Serious strength baskets for him.) I played okay but lost my shooting towards the end. Tas played all right as well, but no buckets for him and he had some defensive difficulties. He locked it down for the last 3 minutes though.
It was a good game all around; a gritty win for the team.
Quickies & Touching Chris Kaman
Let’s get a few NBA related things out of the way, before I dive into the results of our first rec league game, shall we? (I told you it was coming.)
One: Drew Gooden signed a multi-year deal with the Cavs today, and will finally wear that 24k gold headband we’ve all been waiting for.
Two: Amare Stoudemire thinks he’s a mythical sacred firebird. And I thought I was the only one! (Oh, my buddy Kieran’s take on Amare’s possible knee recovery: “Two words: Antonio McDyess”. Wow … that’s a Ctrl+B statement.)
Three: Sam “The Big Smooth” Perkins is back, baby! Oh… wait…
Four: The Bobcats signed sharp-shooting Argentinean forward Walter Herrmann. Here’s to hoping he rides out on Battle (Bob)Cat during player introductions.
Five: “Nate Jones! Who!? Nate Jones!” is finally back on the blogger scene. (And it’s about goddamn time; the guy’s a great writer.)
OK, enough of that; it’s time for some ridiculously unimportant Men’s Division A basketball rec league news. (Whew, that’s a mouthful.)
First, the facts: Our team? Touching Chris Kaman. Our game? 4-4 high-tempo basketball. (We’re undersized.) Our players? TBJ-ite Tas (our 3/4 hustle man), Kieran (our pure scoring 2), Dub (our post presence and defensive specialist), Grish (our PF with a handle), Tony (our spot up shooter), and myself (our point guard). Our history? We played last winter, and lost in double OT in the finals.
So this year we find out we’re running at a new court up near Yonge/Lawrence. (Fantastic news considering last year’s court was basically a cement floor that had large balloons hanging from the rafters that were considered “in-play”.) Anyway, we get to the new court, and soon realize that it’s the Toronto Raptors old practice facility. Yes, just a tad bit nicer. Our games are set-up to run side-to-side — again, it’s 4-on-4 — but before we start, the guys and I make sure to jack up some NBA legit 3-balls on the end nets. (And my God is it ever far! I have a new found respect for that Gilbert bomb in the playoffs.)
The team we played last night ended up being the same team we beat in the semi-finals last year, and the same team who had won the title the year before that. They have two big, back-to-the-basket type players who can also step out and hit the J, a smooth shooting 2-man, a point guard with no left, and two high-intensity scrubs. They rarely look to run — in fact, they asked if we had gotten any slower in the off-season — and when they’re not feeding their big guys down low, they tend to run a lot of off-the-ball screens.
Anyway, the rules are set (offense calls fouls, no over-and-back, points by 1), hands are shaken, and we finally start the game. (Us, minus Dub, who is somewhere lost on a bus.) Quickly realizing we’re even more undersized than normal, they start pounding it inside and rack up the game’s first real lead (4 or 5). Because they respect our speed, Kieran and I answer with mostly jumpers over their sagging defense. Dub finally shows up, we trade baskets for a while, and we go into the half only down 3.
At half we collectively make three coaching decisions: 1) whoever is matched up on one of the scrubs will always leave their man and double down on the post; 2) to raise our intensity and get a lot more pressure on the ball, 3) rebound, leak out, and run, run, run. (Their big guys are already visibly winded.)
Our adjustments seem to work and we come out firing in the second half. Tony finds his missing shot from the first; Kieran is all over the ball; our three bigs are finishing around the net; and I’m still getting any possible look I want. It doesn’t take long for us to get the lead back and then some. (We’re up like, 4 or 5 now.) That’s when things begin to fall apart. The guy with no left on their team catches on fire and nails about 3 or 4 jumpers in a row. It’s tie game, our ball, and about 30 seconds left. I hold for the last shot on the left side.
Now in this situation, with the way they’ve been sagging off me all game, I’m pretty confident I’ll be looking at some type of fadeaway jumper for the game. No. Instead — much to my surprise — I absolutely cross the shit out of my guy, take it to the net, no help out D comes (What!?), and I miss a gimme lay-up at the buzzer. (Yeah, I know, brutal.) Overtime here we come…
…and we lose. Yeah, the abbreviated version: Two minutes of OT, they hit a couple of shots early, we couldn’t get it going till late, and we couldn’t intentionally foul because there’s no free-throws … game. We lose by 1.
Oh well, it was a lot of fun to finally get back out there, and the season’s a long one. We should be fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go work on my left-handed lay-ups. Fuck!
Comments (6)Steve Carell vs. Allen Iverson
My rec league basketball team starts up tonight and well … I can’t wait to call someone on the opposite team a “S.O.B.”.
(Note: Our team is called Touching Chris Kaman, and over the next couple of months you’re going to read way more than you’d ever want to about us. Sorry.)
The Office Deleted Scenes [YouTube]
Comments (5)Who’s Got Next?
While searching the Internet last night for por … table stereos, I came across this pretty funny article about the colorful characters in pick-up basketball. I suggest you read the whole thing, but here’s a few of my favorites:
The Pro
He’s been in this rec league since about 1986. His team (comprised of guys just like him) usually goes undefeated. He has male-pattern baldness and played college ball at (insert name of nearest dipshit mid-major school here). He may look like hell (or Danny Ferry), but this dude is GOOD; after all, even guys who went to dipshit mid-majors are about a million times better than 99% of the basketball playing population.
Wow, the baldness call … so true. I’d also like to add that 9 times out of 10 this guy is inexplicably named Steve.
Mr. Intensity (AKA The Guy Who Gets People Hurt)
Every game is played like it’s his last. He’s big on boxing out with his elbows and setting moving picks, the only problem being he usually doesn’t know how to play and ends up putting someone in the hospital.
As much as I want to appreciate their heart and hustle on the basketball court, I just can’t. I fucking despise these guys. They have no talent whatsoever so they just run around banging into people. (Yes, even their own teammates.) I always make sure to try and get a foot under these guys when they go flailing for another rebound. “Oh, sorry, you hurt your ankle?”
Player Coach
This guy will not shut-up and by the end of the game, you want to kill him. He’ll tell you what to do, where to go, and how to play the game. The BIG problem with this is, he’s not that good. It would be like taking rap advice from Vanilla Ice. SHUT-YOUR TRAP and play basketball!
“No, no, go thru.” “Reset it.” “Yeah, yeah, swing it weak side, I’ve got a mismatch over here.” “Yeah, here, give me the ball. OK, now go down low.” “You guys aren’t moving.” “Why didn’t you throw the oop?” “All right, let’s set up in double-post motion offense. OK, I’ll swing to the perimeter and then you flash to the middle. If you pivot correctly, the backdoor cut should be—” SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.
It’s a solid list, but I think he forgot one…
The Stoner
This guy is more baked than a panzerotti. He always shows up without a ball, and he’s usually in street clothes. While actually not as bad as you’d think; the main characteristic about this guy — well, besides the eyes — is how ridiculously long it takes him to shoot. Shit, I’ve taken dumps in the same amount of time it takes this guy to cock, load, and release a shot.
I love matching up with The Stoner because they always want to compliment your game when you start lightin’ their ass up. “Wow, dude, you’re so quick!” Ha, ha … that kills me for some reason.
The Crazy World Of Pick-Up Basketball [The Phat Phree]
Comments (9)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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