Shane Battier, Bit Of A Dick?
Maybe it’s just me, but I thought new Rockets forward Shane Battier was supposed to be like some super-duper nice guy or something? You know, the type of dude who’d give you his left kidney after meeting you for five minutes.
Because I must say, after reading his live chat on NBA.com this afternoon, Shane Battier seems like a real Grade-A dickhead to me.
*Shrugs*
Decide for yourself, I guess:
William (Kennesaw): Hey shane, what was your reaction when you heard you got traded to houston?
Shane Battier: Hey William, why don’t you try capitalizing my name you stupid piece of shit? It’s called a noun, ya fuckin’ douche. And wow, Kennesaw, eh? Damn, I didn’t realize you guys had the Internet down there yet. Good for you! You guys got “cell phones” too?
Marco (corpus christi): what do you bring to the rockets line-up? what are the challenges you see ahead in your first year as a rocket?
Shane Battier: What do I bring to the Rockets line-up? Oh, gee, I don’t know — killer good looks and a huge cock? Dude, I bring EVERYTHING to this Rockets line-up. We’re talking power, we’re talking speed, smarts … man, I’m like Mr. Perfect! Now watch me throw this football 50 yards and still catch it.
james (honolulu): shane! i was so excited when we traded for you, no disrespect to rudy but you’re a proven winner and i think at times last season we missed that attitude. i wanted to know what position jeff told you you’d be playing? i hope PF cuz that’ll really help us space the floor more for yao
Shane Battier: First off, you’re all welcome that I was traded here so you don’t have to cheer for some guy named “Gay”. Ha! Gay … gimme a break.
I talked to Coach Van Gundy and I told him I was comfortable playing any position on the floor. Yeah, 1-thru-5. Hell, I even told him I’d P.A. our home games if he wanted. He said he’d think about it. I have a great fuckin’ voice. Da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee…
Chat With New Rocket Shane Battier [NBA.com]
(By the way, I love Shane Battier. I wish he was my father.)
Comments (25)So… You Run Here Often?
OK, here we go again Yao. Just keep cool…
I’m cool, I’m cool…
Good. Now easy does it. What I’d tell you last time?
Head up, chest out.
There you go. You look good.
Are you sure? I feel sort of stupid. I mean, maybe I should put a shirt on, no? Yeah, I should probably put a shirt on…
No, no, you look good. Confident. Big China man be bull, remember?
Yes, big China man be bull…
Perfect. OK, now here they come. Just play it cool…
Oh my, they’re quite close. Um… um…
You stay cool, you hear me? Don’t be ridiculous.
But they’re so cute! Oh my, I don’t know about this. Maybe I should just turn arou–
No! You are not turning around! You’re a Goddamn All-star! Start acting like one!
They think I’m a freak.
They do not think you’re a freak! Jesus. Now get it together, man. OK, here we go.
Oh no, oh no, oh no…
Smile…
Oh no, oh no, oh no…
Keep smiling…
This is bad. This is sooooo bad…
Aaaaaand… done.
That’s it?
That’s it.
Did they look?
Um, yeah.
And?
Well… besides you lookin’ like you were pinchin’ a loaf, I’d say the girl in orange seemed somewhat impressed.
Seriously?
Yeah, she checked you out a little bit.
YES! SCORE!
Woah, easy there Romeo; she just glanced at you. Could’ve been wondering what happened to the sun for all I know…
TAKE THAT MUTUMBO! YAO IS TRUE SEX MACHINE!
Oh, shut up…
Yao Ming Photo [Yahoo!]
(Props for finding this gem: YAYHowie!)
Run To ClutchFans! Run!
Jenny, ClutchFans is awesome and that’s all I have to say about that.
THUMP!!! — Forrest Gundy Pic [ClutchFans]
Comments (2)Ryan Bowen Is No Paul Shirley
Rockets forward Ryan Bowen has a blog and holy shit is it boring. To paraphrase:
“Then we had meetings, then we ate brunch, then I did cardio, then I watched Deal or No Deal … blah, blah, blah …”
Look, I don’t care if it’s vaguely true or not; nobody should be allowed to make the day-to-day life of an NBA player sound this mundane. No, not even über-white Ryan Bowen.
I mean, seriously, if had known the Rockets were looking for boring website content then damn, I would’ve sent my personal blog in weeks ago…
Skeets Blog — Sunday, April 9:
After last night’s binge drinking I spent the entire morning in bed, trying not to vomit on the sheets. Thankfully, the late night Chinese hot-and-sour soup made the hangover a little shorter.
After getting up and arriving in the bathroom, I had a meeting with the Porcelain Prince. Just to give you a visual– no, never mind.
After our meeting I headed out in search for a place to ball. I made my way to the nearby courts and found two, stoned dudes who didn’t even have a ball. I usually would’ve asked them to shoot around with me, but they smelt a little ‘off’, so I didn’t.
After my shoot-around I walked around the block a bit and wandered into a pawnshop. I always seem to get suckered into buying some new piece of garbage like a broken Walkman or something. They had one of those Nintendo Duck Hunt guns there and the salesman twisted my arm into trying it out. I held off on buying it for now, but I really liked the way the dog manically laughed whenever he picked up a dead bird.
A few shops and a 7-11 Slurpee later, I made my way back to the house, where it was time for my workout. I did some Pilates and really felt ‘the burn’.
When my workout was finished it was time for dinner, and the kitchen was calling my name — which is sort of creepy when you think about, considering it’s an inanimate room and all. Oh well, a little cheese, bread, and ketchup later and it was back to the living room for me.
I am now just sitting on my couch watching Tito Ortiz beat the bloody shit out of some guy and am about ready to call it a night. It’s a workday tomorrow so everything is going to get moved up with a 7:15 shower time.
Bowen Blog [Rockets.com]
Comments (3)Sleeping Giant
Juwan: Tracy.
Tracy: What?
Juwan: Look.
Tracy: Where?
Juwan: Look at Yao. Behind me.
…
Tracy: Woah, what’s wrong with him? Yao, you ok–
Juwan: –Shhh… he’s sleeping you idiot.
Tracy: No?
Juwan: Yeah, look.
Tracy: Damn.
Juwan: Yeah, dumb son-of-a-bitch is out of it.
Tracy: Well, we should probably wake him up, no? I mean, if Coach sees him he’ll be–
Juwan: –No, no, leave him. He’s tired.
Tracy: I just don’t want him to get in trouble that’s all.
Juwan: Oh, come on, he’s fine.
…
Juwan: Hey, let’s put his hand in cold water, yeah?
Tracy: Oh, no Juwan, that’s just mean.
Juwan: Hahaha… come on, it’ll be hilarious. “Yo, ball boy!”
Tracy: Oh, this is a bad idea…
Juwan: “Yeah, you! Grab me a cup of water quick.”
Tracy: I really don’t like this Juwan. I don’t want to be apart of this…
Juwan: Would you quit with the fuckin’ whining. Jeesh. No wonder you’re so God damn depressed. Lighten up, man.
…
Tracy: That hurts dude. Seriously…
Comments (6)About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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