Ron Artest’s Sound Advice

willis “Ask Ron” — Artest’s monthly advice column in Dime Magazine — made its triumphant return to newsstands this week. This man is a genius.

As an NBA player, I know your hands and feet are real important. That said, is it cool for a dude to get a manicure/pedicure? My boys always clown me when I get it done.
– Paul

A pedicure is good, man. You gotta take care of your feet. Girls love that, a guy that takes care of his toes and fingernails.

It’s true, girls love a well-groomed man. (Take Jamie Mottram for example.) Also, don’t forget that girls hate a guy that takes care of his dog. So, um, starve your dog, folks.

Ron-Ron, who are your Top 3 celebrity females?
– Marcus A.

There’s a girl, what’s her name? Lisa Ling. She’s just the total package. Celine Dion and Whitney Houston have the same type of style, but one’s Black and one’s White.

Lisa Ling? Is he talking about that Chinese chick from The View? Holy shit, he is. TRU WARIER 4 EVA!!!

Ask Ron (April 2007) [Dime]
“The Man” Says Artest Doesn’t Feed “The Dog” [Sactown Royalty]

(Update via Ling’s Wikipedia page: She broke off her engagement to media entrepreneur Philip Levine, citing as a reason “his unsightly feet.” Tee-hee. Thanks, Jeff.)

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By J.E. Skeets at 2:08 pm on 04.12.2007 — Tags: Ron Artest, Kings

Artest: Would You Please Pass The Peas, Celine Dion?

Jamie and the SBL gang had Kings’ superstar/rapper/Marco-Polo’er Ron Artest back on the show to talk about the new season, his new CD, who he’d like to have dinner with (see title!), the Sacramento club scene, and much, much, more.

Ron-Ron also drops a couple of verses from one of his new tracks, but I have to warn you: It’s excruciatingly painful.

Yeah, Ronald really ought to consider letting me ghostwrite for him.

Sacramento Kings Superstar Ron Arest [SBL Audio Clip]
NBA Prep Work: Kings [The Basketball Jones]

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By J.E. Skeets at 1:50 pm on 11.03.2006 — Tags: SBL, Ron Artest, Kings, Media

NBA Prep Work: Kings

As part of The Basketball Jones extensive ‘06-07 season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 NBA teams. (No, not really.)

Today I spit a few bars with Sacramento Kings mad lyricist Ron Artest. Our conversation/rap follows:

ONE-ON-ONE WITH … RON ARTEST

J.E. Skeets: Yo, you ready?
Ron Artest: Shit son, I was born ready!

–Skeets presses BEAT 1 on his Casio RAP-1 Rapman keyboard–

Skeets: A’ight, yo, yo, yo-yo-yo-yo. Mic check one, my mic sounds nice. UNH! Let me start this shit Ron. Yeah, I’m about to rip this shit!
Artest: Go get it son!

Skeets:
OK, well here we go, a rap convo
Four bars each with so much flow
I’ll spit first and then you take control
I know Ahmad Rashad ain’t done dis before

Artest:
Hell naw he ain’t, and yo and that’s what great
Two fuckin’ pioneers up in dis place
Now ask me a question, yo face-to-face
But make sure you do it wit style, make sure you do wit with grace

Skeets:
OK, I’ll do it with Grace like my name was Kelly
Dwyer? No. The dancer on the telly
Mr. Ron Artest my first question is
Are you so fuckin’ crazy that you sit when you piss?

Artest:
Well I’m a crazy motherfucka but I ain’t that bad
In most joints I try to stay away from the can
Like any other man I try to piss while I stand
The only difference is I got a million dolla dick in my hand!

Skeets:
Umm… that was a lil’ more than I needed to know
But I appreciate the honesty that your willing to show
Now shall we continue our game of verbal tic-tac-toe?
I mean should I even drop the X, if you can’t drop the O?

Artest:
Is that a fuckin’ challenge sayin’ the ‘Test can’t step?
Cuz I’m the illest mothafucka yo left on the net
Don’t test the Tru Warier and don’t knock my rep
Throw a beer at me and yo I’ll snap ya neck!

Skeets:
Aiyyo settle down tiger, lie the fuck down
You’re jumpin’ to conclusions man actin’ a clown
I only asked cuz I knew that your friend was in town
Thought you had to go, thought we should shut it down

Artest:
Oh man I’m sorry Skeets, I have bad anger control
My mother never hugged me, and well it’s started to show
I apologize sincerely, and yes I have to go
You’ve reminded me I have a meeting with Mr. Fat Joe

–Artest stops the Casio RAP-1 Rapman keyboard beat–

Skeets: Done?
Artest: Yeah, I think I should probably get going…

Skeets: Ok, well … ya? [Extends his arms] Come here ya big lug.
Artest: [Hugs Skeets, starts sobbing uncontrollably] I’m just so … so … misunderstood.

Skeets: There, there, I know you are. Come on, chin up.

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By J.E. Skeets at 3:09 pm on 09.08.2006 — Tags: '06/07 Season Preview, Ron Artest, Kings

Ron Artest And His Musical Quest

Move over Thriller and Monster Mash.

Kings philistine Ron Artest’s debut rap album, “My World”, is scheduled for release on Halloween, and well … if it’s anything like his SBL freestyle session [mp3] it’s bound to be pretty fucking scary.

Ron-Ron’s reportedly going to be plugging his new album on Regis & That Girl Who Once Had A Sitcom — someone fire up the YouTube! — but what everyone wants to know is what the album’s going to sound like?

Um, I think I’ll let Ronald explain that:

“The album is versatile and it touches every emotion I went though over the past ten years, from gangster shit to wifey shit to NBA brawl shit to my man dying shit to strip club shit to fuck bitch-ass niggas shit. It’s an interesting album.”

O-kaaay then…

No word on whether the album will touch on Marco Polo shit or bass cello shit as well.

Ron-Ron’s World [Sactown Royalty]
Artest Rapping on SBL mp3 [Sports Bloggers Live]
Ron Artest Prepping Debut Album [HipHopGame.com]
“3 … 2 … 1 … Marco!” [The Basketball Jones]

[Update! One of Mr. Irrelevant’s loyal readers points us to Grand Finaal’s MySpace Page. Why? Oh, gee, I don’t know…]

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By J.E. Skeets at 10:22 am on 09.07.2006 — Tags: Ron Artest, Kings