‘07 NBA Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks
Like my NFL-humping KSK brethren to the south, it’s about time we start previewing the upcoming NBA season here at The Jones. Over the next fourteen weeks or so we’re going to break down, setup, and dissect the living shit out of each and every team in the league. First up, alphabetically of course, the Atlanta Hawks. CAW!
Three Facts About The Atlanta Hawks:
1. All-Star guard Joe Johnson’s official nickname is the Armadillo Cowboy. It is loosely based on a Spike Jonze documentary about two suburban teenagers who wear tight jeans and ride water drums in the forest.
2. Sweaty Georgian center Zaza Pachulia suffers from a chronic case of ‘bacne’ — photo evidence coming soon! — because he always sleeps with his backpack on. The Hawks plan to handout free benzoyl peroxide cream to first 10,000 fans every Sunday home game.
3. In June of this year, the Hawks unveiled new uniforms, colors and logos to the unsuspecting public. Deciding to drop the classic yellow for a slick red-white-navy blue color scheme, the new Hawks logo looks like what’d you get if the Arizona Cardinals and Charlotte Bobcats fucked each other.
Projected ‘07 Record: 35-47, 4th in Southeast
Possible ‘07 Onion Headline: Hawks Mount HDTV Scoreboard To Shelden Williams‘ Forehead
Obligatory Hawks YouTube Video: Harry Rides A Mini-Motorcycle
One-On-One With … Tyronn Lue!
As part of our extensive NBA season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of sitting down and going “one-on-one” with a representative from all 30 teams. For the Hawks, it’s toddler-like point guard Tyronn Lue.
J.E. Skeets: OK, let’s get right into it: What’s it like to be the youngest player in the NBA?
Tyronn Lue: I’m not.
Skeets: What? I thought you were thirteen.
Lue: No. I’m thirty.
Skeets: Really? Cuz I heard Coach Woodson breast-feeds you on long road trips.
Lue: I’m thirty.
Skeets: Wow. Well you look good for your age, man.
Lue: Thank you.
Skeets: You moisturize?
Lue: Sharps Barber & Shop daily prep lotion.
Skeets: Ah, nice.
Lue: I like to think so.
Skeets: Tyronn, who’s your favorite Josh in the world? Smith, Childress or Hartnett?
Lue: I like J-Smooth and Childress equally; they’re both good kids. I’ve never heard of that last guy.
Skeets: Josh Harnett. He was that douche in Pearl Harbor.
Lue: Oh, right.
Skeets: Have you ever had dinner with Salim Stoudemire?
Lue: Yes.
Skeets: Did he pass you the dinner rolls when you asked?
Lue: I think so.
Skeets: Mm, I doubt that. Hey, Tyronn, why do you braid your hair?
Lue: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just something I do. Always have.
Skeets: Do you braid – *whistles, points* – down there?
Lue: No comment.
Skeets: Hey, how demoralizing was it that time you were traded for Jon Barry?
Lue: Jon was an excellent NBA role player.
Skeets: But what a fuck-up on the mic, eh?
Lue: I’ve never seen him on air.
Skeets: Oh, right, you just watch Bob the Builder all day.
Lue: Sorry?
Skeets: Hey, why does Acie Law think he’s a fucking Superbowl?
Lue: Huh?
Skeets: Tyronn, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you this afternoon.
Lue: Yup.
Skeets: I wish you nothing but the best in your future five or six NBA cities.
Lue: Um, OK.
About
The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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