30 Teams / 30 Hours: The Nation’s Capital
You know, one can never have too many NBA season previews. (That’s a lie.) Which is why we present a new series to add to the list: The Basketball Jones’ 30 Teams in 30 Hours NBA Season Preview. Yup. It is what it is…
2:00p / Washington Wizards: If no one is around to hear Gilbert Arenas pass, did he actually pass? Gil may score 50, 60, or even 70 this season, but after pissing off Nick Young with that rookie hazing bit, Gil’s gotta be concerned about Young bringing the Bullets back, no? I mean, isn’t Young just rapper Nick Cannon trying his hand at basketball, with all this to be released in a movie next fall? All rappers pack heat, don’t ya know?
Tas says: 3rd in the Southeast
Skeets says: 2nd in the Southeast, 6th seed
(Hey, Ginger Balls: Don’t forget to check out today’s NBA season predictions podcast.)
Comments (4)LOLnbaz: Gazo And Friends
Exclusive! Agent Zero’s Latest Blog Entry
Posted by Gilbert Arenas on April 05 2007, 2 p.m. ET
Knee Deep
I tore the lateral meniscus in my left knee. Well, I didn’t. Gerald Wallace did. He’s funny like that.
The doctors say I need surgery. I told them to rub a little emu piss on it and I’d be good to go, but they weren’t hearing any of it. I told them if naturopathic medicine saved Andy Kaufman, it could save Agent Zero.
They say I’ll be out 2-3 months.
I should be back by brunch tomorrow.
I’ve started talking a little trash to my knee already.
I told ‘Doug’ — note: the entire left side of my body is male — that he should really try and learn from this experience. He needs to see this as an opportunity to get stronger, gain flexibility. Then I told him about adversity and overcoming it. Then I said something about climbing mountains. Tall ones, like they have in India.
Hey, are you getting all of this down?
Good.
Then ‘Doug’ and I shared a Coke.
Why I Was Late
As you know by now, I was late for yesterday’s shootaround. Why? Oh, boy…
While I was leaving my house yesterday afternoon, I fell into a large black hole that had opened up in my Romanesque interlocking brick walkway. It swallowed me whole.
As I fell, I raced passed millions of vibrant colors and tiny little triangles. I was trapped in a kaleidoscope. I felt light. I could hear the distant noise of children laughing and playing.
When I eventually landed, I was lying in the middle of a pure white room. There was a door at one end. I opened it, and walked in.
I found myself in the exact same white room; only there was Calvin Booth, but in an alien parasitic life form, rocking silently in the corner. I approached him, and we talked. He knew many things about complex spinal cord surgery.
Suddenly, C-Booth morphed into a small can of compressed gas. I tapped it, and it/he spoke to me.
“Gustav Holt.”
I blinked in surprise, and it/he disappeared.
I blinked again, and this time I awoke in my deep-freezer.
This might explain my injury.
Why I Was Late, Pt. 00
I ate too much fruit, and had the runs. My ass was on fire.
The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll
You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I really like Anastacia to take the title.
My Latest And Greatest Catch Phrase
I got a new saying: “I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
Every time I breathe, that’s what I say now.
I have no idea what it means, but I like it. When you’re in rehab you need mantras like this. Every time I lift a weight: “I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
Doesn’t that just sound cool? Very edgy, very po-mo.
“I drink my mile and I heal quickly.”
It’s like, “I’m injured, and while the step to recovery may be long and tiring, I’ll just drink it like a diabetic drinks sugar water. Gulp it down. Let it heal.”
Agent Zero: The Blog File [NBA.com]
(Update: I’ve just learned that this is fake! Whoever sent this in is an evil, evil human being.)
Comments (20)The NBA Really Loves St. Patrick’s Day …
For the second consecutive year, the NBA will celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by rolling out the Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls and New York Knicks in specially designed green uniforms. (Remember those Knicks’ beauties?)
But the fun doesn’t stop there, you Irish loving bastards. Yeah, my trusted NBA sources tell me three additional teams will also get into the holiday spirit during home games this week. Check it out:
In Washington, the Wizards have announced that they will put aside the Gatorade for a night, and instead chug Ireland’s famous stout, Guinness, March 17 against the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets. Gilbert Arenas has already predicted he’s going for 80 … pints.
In Memphis, Grizzlies forward Pau Gasol has announced that he will dye his beard green for the March 17 game against the Chicago Bulls.
“I like to show my Irish roots,” said the Spaniard. “I dye face like river in Chicago where I wish to be traded. I send message loud and clear. It’s sacrifice I pay to have intestines hurt with pain.”
Finally, in Cleveland, the Cavaliers have announced that a 3-foot tall leprechaun, Cieran, will start at point March 17th against the Utah Jazz. The diminutive guard has incredible court vision and is quick and agile. In fact, take your eye off him, and he vanishes. Eric Snow was unavailable for comment.
NBA Teams Paint the Town Green With Special Edition St. Patrick’s Day Uniforms [NBA.com]
St. Patrick’s Day Greetings [The Basketball Jones]
(A million thanks to Howie at NBA Basketball and Other Unrelatedness for the photoshop gold.)
Comments (5)Etan Thomas Speaks His Mind
SLAMonline.com launched a fascinating new feature today — a weekly column written by Washington Wizards center (and poet) Etan Thomas.
In his virgin post, Etan talks about the frequent, unabashed stereotyping and profiling he’s experienced — both on and off the basketball court.
Here’s a quick on-court example to make you go click:
We were playing a home game against Cleveland, and after a timeout a referee with dark, slicked-back hair (who shall remain nameless) approached me. He said that he had heard that I write poetry, have a book, speak at universities, am into politics, etcetera, and he asked me if this was true.
I replied, Yes.
To my surprise, he responded: “You’re not as dumb as you look.”
Type Casting [SLAMonline.com]
More Than An Athlete: Poems By Etan Thomas [Amazon]
[Note: A quick look tells us James Capers, Ken Mauer, and Mark Ayotte officiated the last Cavs at Wiz game. I’m thinking Mauer’s the slick-dick Etan’s referring too…]
Comments (9)Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down. But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you just suck ass. Thus, by process of elimination, the middle of the rankings is the ideal place to be.
Every Tuesday This Thursday, the AZ Rankings lists the four two most ho-hum teams in the league. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly. (And because I’m stupid busy at work…)
Last week it was NOOCH, Washington, Indiana, and Philly. This week…
15. Indiana Pacers: Ah, the grizzled vets of this pointlessness. For the third week in a row the Indiana Pacers make an appearance on the AZ Rankings. I told you they’d always be here. I do love the fact that they’re exactly .500 though; perfectly on “pace” for another 41-41 season of average-ness. (See what I did there?)
16. Washington Wizards: So yin-and-yang it’s scary: Damn near unstoppable at home; winless on the road. Perfect when Agent Zero drops 40+; ass-cakes when he struggles. Their #1 fan can drop $70 on a sick, customized hoodie; can’t afford a digital camera. Sigh.
Comments (1)Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down. But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you just suck ass. Thus, by process of elimination, the middle of the rankings is the ideal place to be.
Every Tuesday, the AZ Rankings lists the four most ho-hum teams in the league. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly.
Last week it was Indy, Minny, Golden State-y, and Milwaukee. This week…
14. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets: I tried watching the Hornets play last Sunday with my dangerously hung-over friend, Ken. Ugh. The Bee’s had like, 12 turnovers in the first 9 minutes. Didn’t take long to realize watching Ken try to keep down Cheetohs, Fuzzy Peaches, and Ginger Ale was much more entertaining. (Note: Tyson Chandler’s mo-hawk is even ordinary!)
15. Washington Wizards: I feel a l’il dirty about placing my third fourth favorite team in this spot — easy, UM — but well… they deserve it. They’re playing like a bunch of rusty seesaws down by Marsh Pond. (No, not because they’re playing up-and-down, but because they smell like bird shit and kiddie pee.) Stop floundering, stop stepping backwards, and stop wasting AGENT ZERO!
16. Indiana Pacers: Uh-oh. I’ve already run out of ways to describe the Pacers’ mediocrity, even though I know they’ll be on this list every single week. Um… um… JO’s forehead looks smaller since he shaved the rows, no?
17. Philadelphia 76ers: Two things: 1) I’m sticking with my “Sixers will suck / Iverson will be traded” prediction. Yeah, don’t be fooled by the 3-3 record; this team sucks and they’ll be huffing paint in the basement with the Knicks soon enough. 2) When it’s all said and done, I think this kid’s cackle (at the :18 mark) might best sum up this Sixers season.
Comments (1)WizzNutzz’s New Ruffin-Squirrels Wallpaper
As you may or may not know, Michael Ruffin’s skull contains two thoughts: “Rebound” and “Remember Squirrels Rarely Attack People”. (Sound advice.)
Thankfully, the Adobe WizzNutzz Little Shop of Photoz Team™ have thrown on their white gloves, demanded a 400k salary (with benefits!), and doctored a beautiful desktop wallpaper to remind us so.
“But my mother ate copious amounts of peanuts while I was locked in her tomb, and as result I am now allergic to nuts,” you say? Do not fret. The Adobe WizzNutzz Little Shop of Photoz Team™ has many other images to stick to the top of your mouth and/or 17-inch LG 256-color monitor.
See: Gilbert Arenas Sr: Miami Dreamz, Kwame’s Manchild, and my personal fav, Party John Ramos …
Wizznutzz Washington Wizards Wallpapers [WizzNutzz]
Comments (2)More Topless T-Nes Tales
Remember when I unveiled the Lithuanian rap star that is Tyrone “T-Nes” Nesby? And remember when I wondered if the all-mighty, WizzNutzz KidZ had already unearthed such gem?
Well, they hadn’t. Until now:
2 years ago Lithuania traded 300 metric tons of milled grain to US Government in exchange for Tyrone Nesby. The US burned the grain so it wont affect farm subsidies but Lithuania didnt burn TNež, instead he became cultural ambassador aka he blew up so big, hes now Lithuianian Puff Daddy!!! Hes also Lithuanian MLK and Lithuanian Wesley Snipes and Lithuanian you name any black man because T-Než has somewthing all those young white lithuanian hip-hop wannabes, (they callz em “Litters”) dont got - hes got melanin and hes got Michael Jordan’s bootprints still on his back!!!!
I really should’ve just handed this shiznit over…
Welcome To Nesby World! [The Basketball Jones]
Something Smells At Basketball Jones And It Smells Like Pultitzer! [WizzNutzz]
Quickies: Party On, John!
- This is not The Greatest Song in the World. This is just a tribute. [WIZZNUTZZ]
- If things go according to plan, the Clippers will add 8 or 9 wins and 75 pounds in the month of January. [ClipperBlog.com]
- Who is playing Big Buck Hunter with the Milwaukee Bucks roster? First Bogut; now Bobby Simmons. [ESPN.com]
- Josh Howard: “Pay me my money, bitch!” [DallasNews.com]
- The San Antonio Spurs have a 40-foot-long bus shrine called the “Spurs Experience”. Um, does that mean it’s a boring ride? [MySanAntonio.com]
- Raptor drops ladder on young girl; hurts dino-mascot-balls in process. [TheStar.com]
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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