30 Teams / 30 Hours: The George HW Bushes
You know, one can never have too many NBA season previews. (That’s a lie.) Which is why we present another series to add to the list: The Basketball Jones’ 30 Teams in 30 Hours NBA Season Preview. Yup. It is what it is. First up: the T-Wolves. Set that CASIO, kids …
12:00p / Minnesota Timberwolves: Jaric always looks like he’s heavily medicated. Who is this Sweetwater Jones guy? No idea. But does he have game? Theo Ratliff’s muscles are underrated. Al Jefferson will post better fantasy numbers than Tim Duncan. The T-Wolves’ backboards should be made of wood. McHale sort of reminds me of a real-life G.I. Joe. I’ve been told Americans pronounce “Target” as “Tarjay.” Is this true? Still waiting for that Gerald Green “Shocker” foam finger. You know, this team could really use Garnett Antoine Walker.
Skeets says: 5th in the Northwest
Tas says: 5th in the Northwest
(Hey, Ginger Balls: Don’t forget to check out today’s NBA season predictions podcast.)
Comments (3)Kinda Ballin’: The AZ Rankings
When you’re on top of the rankings, you have nowhere to go but down (see: Utah). But when you’re at the bottom of the rankings, you really just suck ass (see: New York). Thus, by scientific process of elimination, the middle of the pack is the ideal place to be.
Starting today — and following every Tuesday from here on out — I’ll pick and rank the NBA’s four most-average teams. Why? Because mediocrity is deadly, people. Dead-ly.
14. Indiana Pacers: Along with stripper guacamole cooch, this team reeks of mediocrity. Their contributing point guard Darrell, is like, 76-years-old, and their All-Star forward Jermaine, may well be the most average “superstar” of our time. With that said, Rick Carlisle could coach a team of mannequins into the playoffs, so this team will definitely strive for five… hundred.
15. Minnesota Timberwolves: Back in university I hosted my own “comedy” radio show called J.E. Skeets & Co. (True story.) I’d play music; talk about current events; and occasionally, come up with skits and/or segments. One such segment was called “Find Me A Mid-Game James”. The premise was simple. I knew a big guy named James (a Big-Game James, if you will), and I knew a little guy named James (a Small-Game James), but I didn’t know a medium-built James (um, yes, a Mid-Game James.) So… I’d get out a phonebook and call people, on air, to see if they knew a Mid-Game James. That was it. It was oddly compelling radio. Anyway, my point is, I consider this year’s T-Wolves my sort of Mid-Game James. Figure it out.
16. Golden State Warriors: This is an odd spot for the annual basement-dwelling Warriors. Every pre-season — dating back to like, 1994 — the Blue-Men are the trendy pick to make the playoffs, but of course, every year, they disappoint and finish deep in the lottery. (Where they draft studs like Todd Fuller!) But this year… this year is different. I can feel it. Now look, I’m not saying they’ll finally make the playoffs or anything, but I think they’ll be close.
17. Milwaukee Bucks: Every time someone talks Bucks’ basketball all I hear in my head is that Peanuts teacher’s trumpet-voice. You know, “Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Redd. Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Charlie V. Mwa-mwa, Bogut, mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa, Aussie.” Are they average? Yes, ma’am.
(Note: Why the AZ Rankings? Commenter “stopmikelupica” explains:
“We used to have our own word for mediocre — AZ. As in the rapper AZ, from the ‘Bridge (part of The Firm, with Foxy, Nas and Cormega). To us he was the definition of .500. He had talent, but not skills. All you could ever say about AZ was “he’s alright… yep, he’s alright…”. No one could ever muster an adjective other than “alright” when describing him.”
Yup. Works for me…)
Comments (7)T-Wolves Haikus For You!
Apropos of — I think? — nothing, TBJ reader Ben Mahler sends in this fascinating e-mail:
I wrote some haikus for you gents:
Winter in Minny.
Somewhere Spreewell is starving,
choking…back the tearsMadDog runs around,
excited puppy on crack.
big ass cheerleader.An ancient riddle:
Which is worse? Hudson’s jump shot,
or his T-Hud “raps”?I hope to God that they make their way back into the playoffs this year. Sigh.
Keep up the good work,
– B.
Now look, I cannot stress this enough, people: Please, please, PLEASE keep e-mailing us this type of goddamn genius! Seriously. I want to release a book one day, and I want none of the words in it to be my own. Thanks, Ben!
Comments (2)NBA Prep Work: Timberwolves
Hot shit! (Add echo.)
As part of The Basketball Jones extensive ‘06-07 season preview, I’ve been awarded the honor of going one-on-one with a NBA representative from each and every team. (Yeah, just like Ahmad Rashad, minus the beret and earring combo.)
Late last night — following a dramatic episode of Hell’s Kitchen — I recorded my first over-the-phone interview with versatile and spunky center Eddie Griffin of the Minnesota Timberwolves.* He was a real doll. Our transcript follows:
(And yes, yes, yes … before you go and chop block me, I know that this is a blatant rip-off of Big Daddy Drew’s remarkable “10 Yards of Awkwardness” series over at football funny, Kissing Suzy Kolber. But don’t worry; I want to fight him.)
(I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I asked BDD for his approval and he said, “Go nuts, you Valedictorian douchebag.” Seemed fair.)
ONE-ON-ONE WITH … EDDIE GRIFFIN
J.E. Skeets: Hi Eddie, thanks in advance for doing this. It really means a lot to us.
Eddie Griffin: Yup.
Skeets: Okay, cool. Let me just get my notes here … Um, okay, first question: Are you masturbating right now?
Griffin: Excuse me?
Skeets: Like right now, over the phone. Are you masturbating?
Griffin: No.
Skeets: Are you thinking about masturbating?
Griffin: No.
Skeets: Are you sure?
Griffin: Yes.
Skeets: The truth shall set you free, Eddie. Hell, I just released some demon fluid of my own right before I called you. Five minutes ago. Tops.
Griffin: What? Why are you telling me this?
Skeets: It’s a great stress reliever. Some Dr. Ho type shit, I tell ya. I feel lighter.
Griffin: This is ridiculous. If this interview is going to continue like this then–
Skeets: Okay, you’re not masturbating. Good. Stay disciplined. Next question: New Wolves teammate Mike James — better or worse than Michael Jordan?
Griffin: Um, Mike James is a very talented player, and he’s a great addition to our team, but come on, Jordan’s the G.O.A.T.
Skeets: True ‘dat. Hey, don’t you have a little goat in yourself as well?
Griffin: Ha. Thanks, but I’ve got a long way to go before I’m considered one of the greatest of all-time.
Skeets: Fuck yeah you do. No, I meant after that little drive-n-wank incident you had. Didn’t the cops castrate you like a goat?
Griffin: Sorry?
Skeets: You know, when the cops found you tickling Rosie Palmer and her five sisters in the grocery store parking lot. Didn’t they just wrap a rubber band around your nuts, hoping your scrotum and testes would fall off? McHale’s orders?
Griffin: No.
Skeets: They didn’t?
Griffin: No!
Skeets: Oh. Um… I think my Google Reader is screwed then.
Griffin: Okay, I think that’s about enough. I warned you earlier so–
Skeets: Look, I’m just saying you might want to see if your nuts are actually attached to your body. Sounds like you’ve got a bad case of ol’ phantom balls.
Griffin: Okay, ha-ha-ha, very funny.
Skeets: My Grandpa had phantom balls after a bad combine accident once. Now mind you, he wasn’t masturbating and harvesting at the same time like you were … yeah, I think a piece of corn shot out and smoked him square in the shaf–
Griffin: Good-bye.
Skeets: Eddie, wait! Maybe that’s why you’re not masturbating right now. You don’t have any balls! I could try to talk you thr–
Griffin: (Hangs up the phone)
Skeets: Any quick thoughts on Asian Garnett, Eddie? … Eddie?
* This is where you say, “I wish you weren’t a liar”.
Comments (7)Over The Top II: Eddie’s Coming
Rick Alonzo of the Pioneer Press reports that Eddie Griffin’s seen enough VSL action:
Wolves forward Eddie Griffin spent a week practicing with the summer-league team and left Las Vegas on Saturday as planned, [head coach Dwane] Casey said. The team wants Griffin to lose some weight he gained after the season and get in better shape. Casey praised Griffin for working hard during the week.
Casey also had plenty of praise for Griffin’s chiseled right forearm. “Yeah, you can really see that Eddie’s been slap boxing the one-eyed champ hard,” Casey said. “He’s put the time in, and the results are there. I’m proud of him.”
Timberwolves Report [Pioneer Press] via I Heart KG
Eddie Griffin’s Odd Film Choices [Deadspin]
Mascots and Mini-Motorcycles
What is it with NBA mascots and mini-motorcycles these days? I mean, if they’re not busy cruisin’ the streets for hookers, they’re off roughing up police officers. Jeesh…
“A Chicago Bulls mascot dressed in a bright red costume was charged with attacking an off-duty officer after driving a mini-motorcycle through an outdoor festival.
Barry Anderson, the Benny the Bull mascot, was charged with misdemeanor battery and driving within a parkway. The 26-year-old man is accused of throwing a punch at the sheriff’s deputy, knocking off his glasses and breaking his watch.”
And in related news, Minnesota Timberwolves mascot, Crunch, was arrested over the weekend after he crashed his luxury mini-motorcycle into a parked Suburban while masturbating.
Bulls Mascot Charged With Attacking Officer [AOL Sports]
Comments (5)Free Garnett!
Now that Darko is blocking everything in sight with his self-tanning lotions — 100% free from the tumultuous days of begging for White Castle scraps from Big Ben’s ‘fro — we, the concerned NBA public can finally focus our attention upon a much more worthy campaign:
Free Garnett.
Yeah, I’m sorry Minnesota, but you’ve had your chances with the ‘Big Ticket’ at the helm. A couple of 50+ win seasons, a division title, a decent run to the conference finals … nothing to be ashamed of, especially for a franchise still only 15 or 16 years old. But wow, have the times done changed, eh? Sam and his ugly head are off leading the Clips to the promise land, Spree’s collecting welfare cheques while making cheap peanut butter sandwiches for his kids, and Coach Flip’s busy cashing in on the best starting 5 in the L. Yeah, the personnel’s a little different in Timberland to say the least.
I mean have you seen this year’s Wolves team? Yikes. Minus Garnett and Ricky Davis — who at least fills the box score even if he does forget he’s playing basketball for quarters at a time — this team is made up entirely of a bunch of rag-tag losers. Jaric wears sweater-vests and sucks ass; Blount’s a joke; Griffin can’t shoot to save his life; and Mark Madsen is … well he’s Mark Madsen for fuck’s sake.
I was watching the Raps torch the Wolves by 20 the other night, and I nearly shit myself when I realized that their 3rd best player on the court was some ex-Celtic named Justin Reed. What? Who? Exactly.
This is why the “Free Garnett” movement must start now. I don’t care if they’ve got some promising young talent in Reed, Banks and McCants. They ain’t going nowhere anytime soon, and Garnett ain’t getting any younger. You got to remember this guy is already 30 years old. So what’s that leave him with? 4, 5 more dominant, MVP-like years? Yeah, and I’ll be damned if I have to sit here and watch some 39-year-old Garnett go on to collect some pity ring while “contributing” 20 odd minutes off some team’s bench.
We’ve got to rally the masses, people. Seriously. We’ve got to buy that fucking domain name and get that site up and running. We’ve got do everything we possibly can as basketball fans to let the world know (see: David Stern) that yes — YES! — Kevin Garnett must be freed! Now!
So … who’s with me?
Comments (16)All-Star Memories
With the glitz and glamour of All-Star weekend nearly upon us, NBA.com asked more than 30 players and former players for their favorite All-Star memories.
It’s a pretty fun read, but they definitely left a few notable players off the list:
Steve Francis:
My favourite All-Star memory is without a doubt the 3-point contest in ’04 that starred Cuttino Mobley. What a show. I totally remember watching in awe as Cat picked up money ball after ball, caressed them oh so gently between his soft, supple fingertips, and then – Oooh! – he just stroked, and stroked, and stroked those balls all night long.
Kevin Garnett:
When that motherfucker Vince just motherfuckin’ killed that motherfuckin’ net there in motherfuckin’ Oakland.
Chris Andersen:
Oh dude, last year. I was like, totally shroomin’ and shit, and I was like, dunking you know? But yeah, the net sort of looked like it was moving all weird and shit, and I remember everyone was booing at me, and I thought they were booing ‘cuz I was wearing a hat, but then I realized I wasn’t wearing a hat, so then I was like, shit, dude, you gotta go get a hat on. Ah man, sweet times, dude.
Antonio Davis:
Probably the time I started for the Eastern Conference All-Stars. … What? I did!
Wang ZhiZhi:
Huh?
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The Basketball Jones is a NBA blog and podcast, written and recorded five times a week by J.E. Skeets, Tas Melas and Jason Doyle. Comments, questions and cold hard cash are always welcome and much appreciated. Contact us.
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